


What Happens To Us

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Autism, M/M, Nanny Jared, OT Jared, Single Parent Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-24
Updated: 2009-07-24
Packaged: 2018-05-05 04:11:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 40,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5360876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Jensen Ackles wants is to find a nanny for his 5 year old autistic son. Jared Padalecki is an out of work OT trying to find something more in life. It’s a perfect match in more ways than one if only the two men can work past their own insecurities to see it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Happens To Us

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
" _Happiness is what happens to us when we try to make someone else happy.”_

 

 

 

“Holy shit! I thought it was Wednesday!”

 

Danneel grabbed his suitcase and handed it to him as Jensen ran past her. “Sorry! I thought you were getting ready to leave when I came in earlier. I’ll call to tell them you’re on your way.”

 

He didn’t bother to say thank you.Tomorrow he’d make up for it, take her to lunch or something, but he didn’t have time for it now.He couldn’t be late, couldn’t allow his inability to function without a clock and a calendar glaring at him to make him do this to Alec.He ran to his car, grateful that being the owner of his own art gallery gave him the freedom to go as he pleased.He was even more grateful for Danneel today than usual.His manager had seen him through the worst of the transition when his lover had died, leaving him to deal with their art business and a host of employees to see to by himself.It had given him focus when he’d had little else.Without that, he wasn’t sure he’d have left the house except for Alec.

 

He cursed at traffic every time he was stopped at a red light or someone pulled in front of him, staring at his watch as if he could make it slow down. When he finally pulled in, he breathed a little easier, seeing the other cars parked there, even if their owners were getting back inside, their bundles packed safely away.

 

He jumped out of the car and smiled as he ran along the gate. Green eyes caught his own and he stopped, dropping into a crouch and opened his arms. He heard the always heart warming call of “Daddy’s here!” before Alec came running around the fence and threw himself into his arms. Jensen held him close for the small moment he was allowed and smiled at Alec. “Hey bud. How’s it going?”

 

“Hello Daddy.” He said, the same way he said every day. “How ya doin?”

 

“Good. How are you doing?”

 

Alec looked at him, watching himself in the reflection of Jensen’s sunglasses until he remembered to push them up into his hair. “How are you doing Alec?” He asked again.

 

Alec looked him in the eye but still didn’t answer. He pulled his boy to him and kissed him anyway. “I’m good Daddy.” He supplied the words to his son, then looked up at his teacher.

 

“Sorry I thought it was Wednesday.” He said with an embarrassed smile.

 

Ms. McDowell gave a small smile, “You made it just in time.” She said, jingling the keys in her hand. “We were just about to lock Alec up and keep him.”

 

Jensen laughed.“I don’t think he’d mind.He likes school.”

 

He hated the words almost as soon as he said them, hated that he was at a loss for how to deal with his son and that it admitted too much of his own personal insecurities about his son to this woman who, while a great teacher and warm person, was a stranger to him personally. She knew where he was coming from though, knew about his lover’s death the year before and the stream of nanny’s he’d hired and fired in that time to help him keep up with his son and his hectic schedule.

 

“He did really well today. At recess he found a bunch of boys and sat down with them.” She smiled warmly and he knew it was affection for his son and a small measure of pride at his accomplishment. “He didn’t know what they were playing, but he sat down and started counting them.” She said with a small laugh. “He was trying to interact.”

  
Jensen laughed and scruffed his son’s hair up. “Good job playing bud.” He said.

 

Alec looked up at them, then turned to Ms. McDowell. “Good-bye Miss McDowell.”

 

“Good-bye Alec.We’ll see you in school tomorrow.”

 

“See you tomorrow.”The little boy replied dutifully.Jensen took his hand and walked back to the car with him.He strapped him into his car seat in the back and then heading home.He was halfway there when his phone rang.

 

He scrambled to get his ear piece on before it could go through to voice mail.“Hello?”

 

“Jensen? It’s Danneel. I wanted to remind you that since it’s Thursday, you need to take Alec to Speech and Occupational Therapy today after school.”

 

Jensen sighed. “Thanks Danny.” He said with a sigh. “I would have forgotten that too.”

 

“That’s what I’m here for.”She said with a grin he could hear over the line.“And don’t forget about Floortime later today too.”

 

He shook his head. “Yeah yeah yeah. Anything else I’m forgetting about today?”

 

“Nothing else today. But don’t forget about the interview tomorrow. You set it up for 8am so don’t answer your door in your boxers.”

 

She was laughing and he growled into the phone. “I swear I’m never telling you anything ever again.” It was only the one time and it wasn’t his fault. Danneel had talked him into leaving Alec with her so he could go out on his own. The one and only time since Michael’s death and he’d managed to drink himself into a hangover. Not surprisingly, he’d forgotten about the interview, forgotten to set the alarm, and forgotten to get dressed before opening the front door. The young lady there for the interview looked ready to die of shock and almost before the interview began he knew it wouldn’t be a good fit. He’d let her in, thrown some clothes on, and stumbled through the interview all before the caffeine of his coffee had hit. Even with that, his hangover still handed him his ass and by the time the lady had left he’d been ready to crawl back into bed and sleep for a week. It turned out to be only 3 hours later though when Danneel arrived with Alec. She’d just laughed at his boxers.

 

“I’ll be ready this time.” He said, grinning at the reminder. “And I’ll bring you breakfast tomorrow.”

 

“No McDonalds.” She said quickly. “If you’re going to repay me with food, I want the real stuff.”

 

“See you in the morning Danny.”

 

“Night boss man.”

 

Jensen hung up the phone and took a deep breath but called into the local bakery before he could forget and ordered a pick up for the next morning. The great thing about Danneel was that she never made him say thank you, so long as he was willing to buy her food, flowers, and chocolate, which she pointed out on more than one occasion was completely different than food. He loved her for it and knew that he’d be a mess if she hadn’t stepped into his life when she had.  
  
  
  
 

 

 

 

 

The drive home was silent as Alec sat in the back, watching out the window as the cars moved past. He was tired, but he’d weaned himself off naps and nothing Jensen did would get him back to them. Still, he was five now and in eight months he’d start kindergarten so maybe it was a good thing. “Ready to go home Alec?” He called into the back seat as he pulled down their street.

 

Alec looked up then, “Want to watch Little Chef?”

 

Jensen smiled. “Yeah, yeah I know. You want to watch Little Chef. We’ll watch as soon as we get home.”

 

It was a small concession to make and one he needed.After Speech and OT, they’d gone to lunch together before going back to Floortime with another therapist.Now, over four hours since he’d run out of his office, he was finally getting home.Alec needed some time with no demands on him and Jensen needed time to unwind.

 

He reminded Alec to take his socks and shoes off and watched fondly as he did so, then placed them in a basket they kept by the door for them. He took his son to the bathroom and stood in the doorway, a trait he’d not been able to break his son of yet. He was newly potty trained and anywhere else, with anyone else, he could be told to go to the bathroom. Let Jensen tell him though and he’d literally pee his pants before going without his father standing in the doorway. It was frustrating and nerve wracking and he hated it some days, but today it was just another quirky part of their routine.

 

The movie was in the DVD player and Alec was settled in front of it, glass of juice in one hand and a cut up banana in a bowl for snack on the table in front of him before Jensen finally let himself walk away and into his den.

 

He sat in the chair as his computer booted up and leaned forward, letting his forehead rest against the desk. Today was a bad day, he thought to himself. Not for Alec, but for him. It was just another day, another proof that the universe had taken the wrong man. It should have been Jensen who died in that car crash, not Michael. Michael was the warm one, the artistic one, the one who made their lives work. He was the one that knew Alec, that could handle him and make him smile or talk when no one else could. He was the better father to their son and all Jensen could do was sit back, a year later, and try to understand where his lover had gotten the strength to make it through.

 

It wasn’t a lot to ask for, he knew, it didn’t make him a bad parent for thinking it, but some days he just wanted his boy to look at him and not through him.To say something that wasn’t taught or trained or a recital of some movie or television show he’d watched.He’d never trade Alec for anything, but sometimes he thought he’d sell his soul for Alec to be a normal kid.

 

Alec chose that moment to walk in and even as Jensen was trying to stop the tears in his eyes, Alec reached a hand out to touch his cheek, watching the track his tears made down his face. “Daddy sad.”

 

He gave a half laugh-half sob at his son’s unexpected moment of understanding then wrapped his boy up in his arms.“I just miss your Daddy.”He said, burying his face in Alec’s hair.

 

He wasn’t ever going to be a normal kid but Jensen knew he could be facing a lot worse. His boy was safe and happy and healthy. So what if he had Autism? So what if he stimmed and quoted movies instead of talking and didn’t know how to play with other children? He was still his son and he loved him more than anything else in the world. Nothing, not even a diagnosis could change that.

 

**

 

  


 

The house was formidable, he admitted even as he tried not to.  It was hard, considering the evidence in front of him.  He grew up in Texas and was used to sprawling acreage and large ranch houses.  The house in front of him looked large though, especially in California, with it’s well manicured front lawn, lavish landscaping and a set of double doors that he was sure would let in the masses the next time Captain Von Trapp decided to throw a ball.

 

Okay, so that was a bit much, but Jared was nervous as all get out and he needed something to think about before he ran for cover, jumped behind the bushes and hid from his would-be employer. 

 

Cursing Sandy might be a better option.  She was the one that got him in this mess in the first place.  She worked for an agency that found nannies for the wealthy and influential.  Jared knew her from high school, had been her high school sweetheart in fact, but they’d both agreed in college that it was better to be friends and they’d been that ever since.  When he moved from Texas to California he’d crashed on her couch until he found his own place.  He was on her couch again and he tried not to think of the reason behind that.

 

She said he needed to move on with his life though, move away from the thoughts that consumed him, so a job would be good for him.  He was a licensed Occupational Therapist but after his last job, he wasn’t sure he wanted to go back.  It wasn’t that he didn’t like his job, but so many of the companies were too worried about what people could and couldn’t pay and Jared got tired of it sometimes.  He wanted to work with less people, put in more time with them and see the result of their work. 

 

He knew it was a dream really, because that’s not how it worked, not even as an Occupational Therapist that specialized in early intervention of special needs children, but he hoped.  Damn Sandy for getting his hopes up on this!  Because this, if it worked out, could be exactly what he wanted.  He’d never thought about being a nanny before, but when Sandy told him she had an opening that he would be perfect for he’d heard her out.  A single father who wanted a full time nanny for his 5 year old son with Autism?  Full time, working with one child, able to see the failures and successes of each day?  It was what he’d wanted alright, but the downside was that the father was looking for a live in nanny.    Sandy pointed out that he was living on her couch so that shouldn’t be an issue, but he was still hesitant.  Standing in front of the doors, he was even more so.  There was no way he was going to be able to pull this off.  Whoever this guy was, he obviously had money and manners and would slam the door on his face.  Well, probably not with his manners, but he would probably be offensively polite and stare down his pointy nose and call the agency as soon as he was done and tell them if he sat a grubby foot on his immaculate lawn ever again he’d call the cops.

 

The last thing he expected when the door opened was to find himself staring down into the most beautiful set of green eyes he’d ever seen.  He smiled, instinct taking over for his nerves.  “Hello, I’m Jared.”  He said, his voice even and warm while he resisted the temptation to touch.

 

“Hi Jared.” 

 

“Hi.”  He said dumbly, not knowing what else to say in the moment.  He heard a throat being cleared and realized he was making the worst first impression ever and turned to the source of that voice.  Then he found himself staring into the second most incredible set of green eyes ever.  They happened to be attached to the man holding the boy in his arms. 

 

“Hi Jared.  I’m Jensen, and this is Alec.”

 

“Hi Jared.”  Alec said again, watching him from his father’s arms.

 

He grinned because really the boy was beautiful and he already wanted to fall in love with him.  He held a hand out to Jensen instead of reaching for Alec.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you Jensen.  And you Alec.”

 

“Come on in.”  He said as he set Alec down inside and led Jared in. 

 

The front room was as amazing as he figured it would be.  Hard wood floors and fancy rugs under designer furniture and antique tables, it was a place for magazine covers, not Texas yokels.  “Wow, this place is amazing.”

 

“And breakable.”  Jensen said with a smile.  “I avoid it at all costs.  This is where my…” he stumbled with the words and Jared looked up curiously.  “We used to show art in this room.  It was the only purpose for it.  The rest of the place isn’t so...”

 

“Formal?”

 

“Stuffy.” 

 

Jensen walked him through the front entry and its formal sitting area.  Once past that, they went through a door and Jared felt more relaxed at once.  Two steps down and he was walking into a large and warmly decorated family room.  There was a fireplace in one corner and a large couch faced it.  The large screen television was to one side of it and on the other was a wall painted with chalkboard paint.  Jensen set his son beside it and handed him a bucket of chalk and the boy took a piece, drawing slowly on it. 

 

“Would you like something to drink?   If I don’t get another cup of coffee in me I’m going to be unbearable.”  He said with a smile. 

 

“Water would be fine.”  He said.  Jensen disappeared and Jared felt his eyes drawn to Alec.  He was drawing something out of shapes and Jared was fascinated as he drew an oval.

 

He walked over and sat on the ground close to Alec.  “What is that?”  He asked, pointing to the drawing.

 

Alec didn’t look at him, but said “Oval.”   He drew three circles and Jared asked again.  “Circle.”  Alec looked at them for a second then spoke again.  “Buttons.”  Each time he drew a shape Jared asked him and Alec answered.  They had a pretty good clown going and by the time they had made a circle for the head, triangle for the hat, rectangles for the legs, ovals for the feet, and squares for the arms, Jared was waiting longer and longer to ask.  When Alec got around to putting the eyes on he got what he wanted.  Alec drew the circles and waited.  Jared didn’t ask, but waited him out.  After a few seconds Alec looked at him, making full eye contact.  “What is that?”  Alec asked.

 

Jared smiled at him.  “I don’t know.  What is that Alec?”

 

“Circle.”  He replied, turning his attention back to his drawing.  “Circle for eyes.”

 

“Water?”  He heard from behind him and he scrambled to his feet, almost forgetting that he was actually there for a job interview. 

 

Jensen was smiling at him as he handed him the bottle of water.  “Sorry.  I was just talking to Alec.”

 

“So I heard.  Think you can draw a clown as good as his?”

 

Jared laughed.  “Not likely.  I am artistically challenged.  Stick figures are about as good as I get.”

 

Jensen smiled as he took a sip of his coffee.  “Why don’t we take a seat and get this over with?”

 

Jared nodded and followed Jensen.  There was an oversized chair on one side of a coffee table and he took that, facing Jensen as he sat at the end of the couch.  “So, you met Alec.  I know the agency wouldn’t have sent you if you didn’t have good references and a clean history.  So why don’t you tell me about yourself and why you want to do this?  My son’s not like most kids.  He was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and spends a lot of time in therapy for it.  He’s not always easy to deal with.  I’m not trying to scare you away.  Well maybe a little, but Alec isn’t a normal 5 year old and it’s better that you know that before we go any further.”

 

Jared nodded.  He obviously hadn’t seen Jared’s resume.  “I know what ASD is.”  He said first.  “I was an Occupational Therapist before I left my last company.  I’m not supposed to spend more than one or two hours a week with my clients but I always wanted more.  I wanted to see how they were doing all week long.  I wanted to be with them and help them.  As much as I argued for more, they just never budged on it.”  He took a seep breath and looked at the water bottle in his hands for a minute.  “I’ll be completely honest with you.  Other than coming from a large family full of kids, I’ve never been a full time nanny.  I’m great with kids, and I know how to deal with special kids, like your son but I wasn’t even listed with the agency until recently.  My friend works there and she told me about your situation and thought it was a perfect match for what we both wanted.  I signed up then and here I am.”  He wasn’t sure why he felt like he needed to Jensen that, but Jensen wasn’t pulling any punches about his son and it felt dishonest not to be just as forth coming. 

 

“So you have no experience as a nanny?”

 

“Not professionally.  I lived with my brother and his wife when I was going through school though and I can tell you, that was nanny work without the pay.”  He said with a laugh.  He didn’t think this part of the interview was going well, and obviously Jensen hadn’t been expecting his answer.  He hoped he didn’t get Sandy in trouble, but he didn’t want to lie to Jensen and have him find out later. 

 

“So no way to vouch for your skills?”

 

“Sandy could.  Sandy McCoy at the agency.  She and I were friends when I was doing it.  If you trust her opinion I’m sure she’d verify what I did for my brother’s kids.  There is also my background as an OT which they already verified but I could provide you with some personal references from some of the families I worked with if it would help.”

 

Jensen nodded.  “An OT you say?”  He seemed thoughtful.  “What do you think about moving in with us?”

 

Jared took a second before answering.  It really wouldn’t be a good idea to say the things that popped into his head right off the bat because sometimes there was no filter between his brain and his mouth and this was a job interview.  “We’d have to have some strict guidelines, but I think it would be workable.”

 

“Two days off a week.  We have a mother-in-law suite that lets into the house so you would have your privacy.  I’ll show you around the rest of the house before you leave so you can get a feel for it in case I hire you.”

 

Jared nodded.  “It would be a shame to say no because I haven’t seen the full place yet.”

 

Jensen laughed lightly and it surprised Jared.  Although Jensen had been pleasant enough there seemed to be a tightness about him.  He smiled, but it didn’t completely reach his eyes unless he was looking at his son. 

 

Alec came over at Jensen’s laughter and crawled up beside his father.  “Tickles?”  He asked.

 

Jensen seemed to focus entirely on his little boy then and Jared watched as he reached over slowly, making Alec anticipate his movements.  The boy began laughing before Jensen touched him and he was downright squealing when he tickled his chest and under arms.  He was out of breath when he finally made Jensen stop.  “No tickles Daddy!”  He said firmly.  His smile was breathtaking though and Jared wanted to reach out and tickle him to see it directed at him.

 

“Alright bud I get that you need to move.  Let’s take Jared and show him around, alright?”  He held his hand down to Alec and the boy wrapped his hand in Jensen’s.  “Guess we’ll get to the tour a little earlier than planned.  It’s back this way.”

 

 

 

 

He called Sandy on the way back and told her that he’d used her as a reference if Jensen called.  She told him he didn’t need to call her about it, but she listened to him talk about the interview and what a great father Jensen was.  It wasn’t until they were about to hang up that he realized he was still in the dark about one thing.

 

“Sandy, why does he have so much trouble keeping nannies?”

 

Sandy sighed.  “A couple just didn’t work out because they were short term, quick fix until we could get someone in full time for him.  The first full timer we had said that Jensen had a temper but not in an abusive way.  But he’d… well he’d just lost someone so there’s been some speculation about that.  The next full timer we brought in was let go.  Apparently she thought she was going to take advantage of the nanny role and get herself a sugar daddy out of the deal.”

 

“You’re kidding?”

 

“No.  It was pretty bad.  The last guy, well he was an artist and apparently thought Jensen would hang his work just because of it.”

 

“Who is this guy Sandy?”

 

“Jensen Ackles?  You don’t know?”

 

“Tell me and I will.”  He knew he sounded exasperated but he’d hoped this would work and he was certain Jensen was going to want someone with more experience.  He was feeling a little beat up by the whole thing and Sandy’s mysterious taunting was getting to him.

 

“He owns Crosswired… the art gallery.”  She sighed.  “It’s the most popular gallery in the city Jared, honestly.  You really need to get some culture.”  She said with a laugh.  “He was the co-owner and his partner died in a car crash.  Beyond that though, Ackles is old school money Jared.  Thought you would recognize the name from Texas anyway.”

 

“Ackles?  You mean… that Ackles?”

 

“Yeah.  Oil money though he’s been removed from it by several generations.  Left with a family trust, a business degree, and a son whose mother never wanted anything to do with him.  Jensen’s never been married and lived with his business partner for a long while before the accident.”

 

“Jesus.  That’s… wait.  How do you know all this?”

 

“Even if I hadn’t been curious about the names Ackles, we screen our clients as well as our employees Jared.  We wouldn’t want you getting hired by some psychopath and hacked into pieces on company time.”  She said in a sing song voice that made him laugh.

 

“Yeah yeah yeah.  You’re a virtual stalker Sandy.”

 

She laughed.  “Say it again and I’ll tell Jensen that you’re lousy with kids and that you snore in your sleep.”

 

“You wound me Sandy.”  He said, with another laugh.  “He’s not going to call though.  I’m telling you, he wants someone with more experience as a nanny.”

 

“He’s crazy then because you’re great with kids and your references as an OT are impeccable.”

 

“Thanks Sandy.  I appreciate it.”

 

“And for that, you get dinner tonight.”

 

“Pizza or Chinese.”

 

“Oh, the way you spoil me…” she teased.  He heard a ring on the other end of the phone.  “Gotta go hon.  Surprise me!”

 

 

 

 

When Sandy came home, the kitchen table was a mass of take out boxes.  Jared came up beside her and wrapped an arm over her shoulder.  “Wasn’t sure what you wanted so I bought the place out.” 

 

“Did you pick up a movie?”  She asked hopefully.  He held up a blockbuster bag and she laughed.  “You are the best roommate ever.”

 

“Like you aren’t trying to get rid of me.”

 

“Maybe, but I can enjoy you while you’re still mooching.”  She said as she reached for a plate and began filling it.

 

He was always surprised at how someone as small as Sandy could eat as much as she did, but she could just about out eat him when it came to Chinese.  He took his own plate, mounded over with chow mien noodles and kung pao chicken, and dropped it on the coffee table before taking a movie from Sandy’s hands and popping it in. 

 

 

 

An hour later they were in the middle of Someone Like You when his phone rang.  “Hello?”

 

“Jared?”

 

“This is he.”  He said, not recognizing the voice or the number on his cell.  He walked into the kitchen so as not to disturb Sandy with the call. 

 

“Jared, this is Jensen Ackles.”

 

“Jensen?”  He was more than a little surprised to be getting a call from the other man, especially that late in the evening.  Sandy’s head came into view almost immediately and he wondered if she was eavesdropping or had just come in for something but the look on her face made him think it was the former. 

 

“I’m sorry.  Am I catching you at a bad time?  I should have waited until tomorrow, or just called the agency.”

 

“No, no it’s alright.  What can I do for you?”

 

“I want you.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“God, sorry that came out wrong.”

 

“Good, because a bottle of water ain’t gonna cover that.  I don’t put out on the first date.  Well, maybe for a massive steak, but only an expensive one.”

 

He heard the laughter on the other end and wondered why Jensen sounded as nervous as Jared had felt earlier.  “I meant, I’d like you to come work for me.  Alec responded to you and... well… to be honest your mom told me I’d be a fool not to.”

 

“You… you called my mama?” 

 

“Sandy gave me the number.”  He said quickly.  “It wasn’t like a stalker thing.  You said I could ask about your experience with children.  Sandy said if I didn’t believe her I could call you mom.  So I did.”

 

“You… you called my Mama?”

 

“Yeah.  She gave me your number to call and said I’d better do it tonight before you got a better offer.”  He heard a small laugh on the other end again.  “To be honest, I think I’m afraid of your mama.”

 

“Just shows you’re smart.  That woman’s got a wicked sense of humor.”

 

“So, does that mean you’ll say yes?”

 

Jared stared at the phone for a minute.  The place Jensen owned was gorgeous and even though his suite was plainly furnished in white it was still a lot bigger than anything he could afford, even with the salary Jensen was willing to offer.  He was really calling to hire him?

 

“You mean you’re asking me to come play with Alec?”

 

“We’ll I’d hoped you’d feed him at some p-.”

 

“Yes.  Yes, I want the job.”

 

“Good.  I’ll uh… I’ll call the agency in the morning and get it started on my end.”

 

“Alright.  So… when do I start?”

 

“Is Monday too soon?”

 

Jared laughed into the phone, then shook his head.  “Sorry.  No, it’s not too soon.  I need to... I mean… when should I move in?”

 

“Once you get the paperwork filled out on your end and its official give me a call.  You can stop by anytime after that and get the keys.”

 

“Alright.  I’ll… I’ll let Sandy know to rush things through if she can.  I’d like to get moved in before I start work, if that’s good with you.”

 

“Yeah, of course.  Let me know if you need help or anything.  Not that I would be much help with Alec in tow, but … I can try.  We can cheer you on if nothing else.”

 

Jared laughed.  “Thanks man.  I think I got it covered though.”

 

“Alright.  Um... so call me when you’re ready for the keys.  This is my private number.  Please don’t give it out to anyone, but you can call anytime.  When you’re ready I mean.”

 

Jared nodded, then realized he couldn’t see it over the phone.  “Alright.  Oh hey, is it okay if I… it’s just the place is kind of white.  Do you mind if I brighten it up?”

 

“You want to paint in there?”

 

“Not so much paint but just… color, you know?”

 

“Jared, do what you want with it.  All I’ll ask is that you put it back to white before you leave it.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

“Alright.  I’ll talk to you later then.”

 

“Good night.”

 

“You really called my Mama?”

 

There was an amused chuckle at the other end of the line.  “Good night Jared.”

 

“Nite Jensen.”

 

Sandy looked at him in amazement as he closed his phone.  “Jensen?”

 

“I got the job.”  He said blankly.

 

“I figured that from the talk about moving.”

 

“He called my Mama.”  He looked at her, blank expression gone.  “You could have told me you gave him Mama’s number.”

 

“I didn’t think he was listening!”  She said, giving a startled giggle.  “Honestly, he was asking about your experience and I told him and he seemed to want more so I told him here was your Mama’s number if he wanted another reference.  I didn’t think he’d do it!”

 

Jared laughed.  “God only knows what she told him.”

 

“Well, your mom must have liked him.” 

 

“You think so?”

 

“She gave him your number Jared.  If she didn’t like him, she’d have given him the number to the local Sex Anonymous meeting.”

 

“Nah Sandy.  You were special.  She gave everyone else AA’s number.”

 

**

 

“Yes Mama, he did call.”  Jared said, smiling across the desk at Sandy as she finished up the paperwork he needed to sign.  “Uh huh.  He said you were scary as all get out, but he gave me the job anyway.”  He winked at Sandy.  “Yep, as all get out, those were his exact words.”

 

He was about to say more when suddenly the phone was pulled away from his ear.

 

“Those were not my words.” 

 

Jared looked up to see Jensen Ackles holding the phone to his ear and grinning like a mad man.  He’d noticed the eyes yesterday but when the man really smiled?  Jared wasn’t sure there was anything he wouldn’t do to keep that smile going.  He wasn’t sure where the confidence came from, after all last night he’d been nervously tripping over his own words when he asked Jared to come to work for him, but now he was taking over Jared’s conversations?  There was a lot to learn about Jensen Ackles and Jared felt the flutter of excitement again over the fact that he was going to do that. 

 

“I did say I might be a little afraid of you ma’am but I’m a good Texas boy and we come with a built in respect for a person’s mama.”

 

Jared laughed and he heard Sandy snickering, turning back around to find her covering it behind a coffee mug before Jensen could hear it though.

 

“Yes Ma’am.  I’ll be sure to take good care of him and I’m sure we’ll talk again soon.”

 

The phone was handed back to him and Jared stared at it for a minute before setting it to his ear.  “Mama, I’m taking care of his son, he’s not him taking care of me.”  He specified.  Not that she would care because everyone who knew him was supposed to take care of him, he knew the way she thought.  Still, it was a little embarrassing to have his employer being told to take care of him.  “Mama, I have to go.  I’m just finishing up the paperwork and I’ve got to get going.  Jensen wants me to start Monday so I’m moving this weekend.  I’ll call you when I get settled in though, alright?”

 

He saw Jensen shifting beside him and realized the man was waiting for him to finish so he did so with a quick good-bye to his mother.  “Sorry about that.  She had to call and find out if you called me back yet.”

 

Jensen smiled.  “No problem really.  I’m glad.  At least I could start correcting your lies before she started to hate me.”

 

Jared laughed as Sandy set the paperwork in front of him.  “All done.  This is your copy Jared.  If you’d like to wait a few minutes Mr. Ackles I can have yours ready, or I can have it delivered to you tomorrow if you wish.”

 

Jared almost laughed at her professional manner but managed to keep himself from it but stealing a page from Sandy’s book.  A drink of water and his urge to laugh was under control. 

 

“Can you have it delivered?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“I have to run to get Alec, but I wanted to see when you wanted to get the keys?”

 

Jared looked dumbfounded for a minute.  “Um… I’d like to get started tomorrow sometime if you don’t mind.  Can I come by tonight?”

 

Jensen nodded.  “Of course.  I’m getting Alec now.  I have to take him to gymnastics class but we’ll be home by three if you want to stop by any time after that.”

 

Jared nodded.  “Okay.  I’ll see you tonight then.”

 

“Alright.  See you later Jared.”  He turned to Sandy and smiled that polite smile he’d seen before.  “Good day Ms. McCoy.”  Then he walked out the door and away. 

 

Jared watched him for a second, then turned back to Sandy.  She was watching him.  “Is there going to be a problem here?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“That man has some beautiful eyes Jared.”  She said, her voice mostly concerned and only a little dreamy. 

 

“You haven’t seen anything yet.  Wait till you meet Alec.”

 

 

 

 

Jensen watched Alec with a smile on his face.  The boy loved pizza and Jensen was more than happy to order out tonight after their day.  Not that it had been too bad, but Alec was a little off his routine and acting it and Jensen was tired and really wanted a nap if he was honest with himself.  He thought about passing out on the couch, sure that Alec would be safe enough if he dozed lightly but he decided against it.  If he took a nap now not only would he miss the time with Alec, but he’d never go to sleep on time so he drank the last of his soda and watched Alec peeling pepperoni off his pizza. 

 

He didn’t seem to want the pepperoni, but when Jensen ordered him cheese pizza he didn’t eat it.  He apparently wanted to eat what Dad did no matter what he had to do to do it.  The funny part was, Alec would eat the pepperoni after the fact.  If Jensen took his plate away and brought back the same pepperoni on a small plate, he’d eat them.  It was one of those quirks that kids have and Jensen just let it go at that.

 

He got up to get a soda when he heard the door bell.  Alec was ignoring it and Jensen left him there to answer it.  He was pleasantly surprised to find Jared standing there.  “Hi Jared.”  He said, opening the door wider to let the other man in.  “Come on in.”

 

“Hey.” He said, stepping in slowly.  It was easy to forget how tall he was when he was sitting down but now, he wondered how he’d forgotten.  “Where’s the kiddo?”

 

Jensen smiled.  “Eating pizza.  Come on back and say hi.  I’ve got the keys in my office.”

 

Jared followed easy enough though Jensen watched the way Jared looked at everything around them.  He wasn’t sure what it was.  Awe?  Was he uncomfortable with the stuffiness?  Did he wish the rest of the house were more like it?  Was he regretting this already?

 

They went through the door to the family room and Jared moved away from him then, focusing completely on Alec as he walked over and sat beside the boy.  “Hi Alec.”  He said in the same calm voice he’d used the day before, the same calm, happy tone he heard his other therapists use.  Alec didn’t respond right away but continued to peel this pepperoni.  Jared gently placed one of his large hands over Alec’s to stop the process.  Alec looked at the hand, then followed it up to Jared’s face.  “Hi Alec.”  He said again.  “My name’s Jared.”

 

“Hi Jared.”  The look Jared gave Alec was warm and affectionate and he could tell he wanted to touch him even if he didn’t allow himself.  “That was awesome Alec.”  He said.  “Can I get a high five?”

 

“High five.”  Alec said with a grin as he slapped his hand into Jared’s.  He loved high five and Jensen decided against telling Jared just how long he’d sit there and high five him if he allowed it. 

 

“Do you want something to drink Jared?”  He asked. 

 

Jared looked down at the food in front of Alec and smiled.  “Sorry, I didn’t think about it being dinner time.  I would have come later.”

 

“Which means you haven’t eaten yet?”

 

Jared shook his head.  “Nah, had some things to do first.”

 

“Plenty of pizza if you want some.”  Jensen offered. 

 

“No, really, I don’t want to impose.”

 

“Jared, you’re moving in this weekend.  You might as well get used to us.  Besides,” he said, thinking he already knew Jared’s weak spot.  “It will give you more time to get to know Alec.”

 

Jared looked at Alec and back at Jensen.  “Alright.  Maybe a few slices.”

 

“Drink?”

 

“Soda?”

 

“You got it.  Make yourself at home.”

 

Jensen left him alone with Alec and headed back to the kitchen.  He wasn’t sure how much Jared would eat so he threw two pieces of pepperoni pizza on a plate and grabbed two sodas.  He handed them off to Jared when he got back and smiled as Alec began helping Jared rid his pizza of dots. 

 

Jared watched him with a smile.  “Does he always do this?”

 

“If you let him he will.”

 

“So I’ve failed the first test already?” 

 

Jared looked up through his bangs and there was something in that look that made him want to open up more.  He felt a connection to Jared he wasn’t sure he could understand.  They were both from Texas and maybe that commonality had something to do with it.  He trusted him though, felt deep down that Jared would be committed to his son and making sure that Alec got the best of everything.  It was a startling feeling and one that made him glad he’d called even though Jared had definitely not met all his criteria for a nanny.  He’d felt it in his gut though that this was right.  And what had his criteria got him so far anyway?  A bunch of part time stand ins, one homophobe, a gold digger, and an artist trying to use his son to get an exhibit.  Maybe his gut was more reliable.  It couldn’t be any worse.

 

“Nah.  You only fail if you admit you like pizza without all the manly toppings.”

 

Jared laughed and Jensen felt himself laughing with him.  “All safe then, I’m a meat lovers guy myself.”

 

“I think we’ll get along just fine.” 

 

Jared raised his soda and smiled.  “Cheers.”

 

Jensen raised his as well and only just managed to cover his reaction when Alec took his glass, yelled “Cheers” and downed his juice in reminder of days when he’d had both his fathers around.  He swallowed his soda and took a deep breath, grateful that Jared was too focused on Alec to notice. 

 

**

 

  


Jared felt the sweat pouring down his back and wished he’d called a few friends to help him move his boxes.  It wasn’t that they wouldn’t want to help, but he hadn’t been able to give them notice about it either.  It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle, but it would have made for a less tiring afternoon. 

 

The boxes were all sitting in the living room of his new place.  He had a couple of framed art prints in each room already, waiting to be hung.  He didn’t think he’d try to paint until he’d been there a while but the paintings would liven things up a bit.  Since Jensen had mentioned it, Jared wanted to make his mark, to make this a home and not just some place he happened to be.  He made Sandy run to the store with him the night before to buy some furniture covers in bright colors to give it more of a lived in feel.  He didn’t mind the soft, calming blues and greens that highlighted the predominantly white rooms but they were too sedate for Jared’s tastes. 

 

At least the floors and fixtures were a strong mahogany.  The rest was sterile, a guest house waiting for someone to stay temporarily, a few bits or personality but really mostly just clean.  He could see it as something else though, as he thought about getting his own things settled.  He tried not to get ahead of himself though, reminded himself of how many nannies Jensen had already gone through. 

 

The living room opened up into a small dining area and just off to one side of that was the kitchenette.  A nice sized fridge and microwave were included and a small dishwasher.  More than he would need really because he’d be taking most meals with Alec and Jensen anyway.

 

A hallway between the living and dining areas went up two steps and down that were the bedroom with its master bath and a small office area.  He wondered what sort of guests they’d had that they’d needed a guest suite this big, but he didn’t question it.  It really did make a great place for him.  More than big enough in fact. 

 

There was an entrance off the living room leading to the front yard and a door in the bedroom that opened out to the back yard, a small patio of his own and a small privacy fence that when opened gave him a great view of more manicured lawns. 

 

He heard a knock and realized it was coming from the door on the other side of the kitchen.  It was the one that led into the main house.  He thought it was funny that anyone would knock from that side since it belonged to Jensen but he appreciated the acknowledgement of privacy anyway.

 

He ran to the door, wishing he didn’t feel like he’d just run five miles, wishing more that he didn’t look like it as he opened the door to find Jensen standing there.

 

“Hey.”  He said with a smile.

 

“How’s it going back here?”

 

Jensen hadn’t been home when he’d started this morning.  “Good.  Got all the boxes in at least.  Where’s Alec?”

 

“He’s with a friend tonight.  Got some guys coming over to watch the game so I figured it was a good time to let him have a sleepover.”

 

“Yeah?  With kids his age?”

 

“Ah… no.”  Jensen said with a smile.  “With my assistant at the Gallery.  She loves him and he really responds well to her.”

 

“Good idea then.”  Jared said. 

 

“Look, I … I thought I’d come back and see if you needed any help.”

Jared shook his head.  “I’m good.  Thanks though.”

 

“You brought something to hang up?”  Jensen asked with a nod to the frames against the wall.   

 

“Yeah, just some prints that I like.  You know … color.”

 

“That’s something I can help with.”  Jensen commented as he leaned against the doorframe. 

 

“Somehow I don’t think you’re going to take no for an answer.”

 

“Yeah well… I run an art gallery.  I might not be good at a lot of things, but hanging I can do.”

 

Jared laughed.  “Alright, I give up, but no making fun of my artistic tastes.”

 

“Promise.” 

 

“Thanks.  Um, not to sound like a mooch already, but do you think I could raid your fridge for some water?  I didn’t think to stop at the grocery on the way over.”

 

Jensen smiled as he walked to the fridge and opened it up.  To Jared’s surprise it was already pretty full.  “Alec and I got you some basics.  Weren’t sure what you liked but I figured water would make the cut.”  He grabbed two bottles out and handed one over.

 

Jared just shook his head.  “Man were you desperate or what?”  He teased.

 

Jensen smiled, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes.  “You have no idea.”

 

 

 

 

 

“I think that’s the last one.”  Jensen said as he stood back and looked at the painting he’d just hung on the living room wall.  “It’s not a bad piece.  Where’d you get it?”

 

Jared shrugged.  “Art festival last year.  Don’t remember the guys name.”  All he really remembered was how soft his hair had been and how much it hadn’t help to ease the pain at all.  “I liked it though and bought it even thought I didn’t have a place for it.  I knew I would sometime.”

 

Jensen laughed lightly.  “Glad you did.  It suits you.  Goes well with this place.”

 

Jared looked around and was a little amazed at how much he’d got through.  Jensen had taken over the artwork in each room and so Jared had been left to do his own thing.  He’d put the navy blue cover over the couch and chair in the living room, unpacked his clothes in the bedroom and set his things in the bathroom. 

 

He had a few boxes of personal stuff still left, but all in all it would be an easy day Sunday which was perfect since he’d asked Sandy to come over and he’d be able to spend some time being a nervous wreck about the next day.

 

“Hey,” Jensen shook his hand in front of Jared’s eyes to get his attention.

 

“Sorry, just taking it in for a minute.”  He said.

 

Jensen nodded.  “I have to get back to the house and get ready for tonight.”

 

“Oh yeah.  Of course.  And thanks for the help.  I might be good with a hammer and nails, but I’m pitiful at straight lines.  I’d never have got anything hanging right.”

 

Jensen laughed.  “No problem.  At least I don’t have to worry about killing you for crooked art work now.”

 

“I knew it.  You’re so Sleeping with the Enemy, aren’t you?  I’m gonna get killed because I can’t keep the towels in a straight line.”

 

“Exactly.  But since you know that secret now, I’ll have to think of something else to kill you over.”  Jared laughed as he followed Jensen to the door between the house and the suite.  “I was thinking… if you don’t have anything else, you could come on over?” 

 

Jared wasn’t sure what to think about the offer but Jensen continued on.  “The guys will be here around six.  I’ve got food and beer.  We’re just gonna kick back and watch the game, drink a little, maybe my friends might play a little music, but that’s it.  They’re in and out of here a lot so you’ll get to know them either way.  But… if you want, come on over, you don’t have to knock.”

 

Jensen was gone before Jared could say anything else and that was good really because he wasn’t sure what the hell he was supposed to say to that. 

 

 

**

 

 

It was a quarter after six when Jared opened the door between the suite and the house and made his way down the hall.  He took a minute to stop by Alec’s room, familiarizing himself a little with it now that he didn’t have any interruptions. 

 

Okay, so he knew he was stalling but he still wasn’t sure he should be doing this.  He was going to be starting work in two days.  He figured he should try to keep his spare time separate from his work time, only it sounded like fun to Jared and it might be easier to meet Jensen’s friends now than to try to do it one by one whenever they might stop by and Jared was forced to focus on Alec. 

 

He ran a hand through slightly damp hair and thought about running back to the suite, but found himself thinking about Jensen and how easy it was to be around him.  There was an unassuming air about him that seemed at odds with what he knew about him, or what he knew from paper about him. 

 

He took a deep breath and stepped out of Alec’s room and headed further into the house.  He could smell barbeque from where he was and he realized he was pretty hungry, only stopping for a quick sandwich for lunch while he’d been working.  He stepped into the dining area and was amazed at the spread of food on the table.

 

“Hey Jenny!  You have a stray!”  One of the guys called out, looking at Jared as he did.

 

The guy had a nice smile and there was something friendly about him so Jared smiled back.  He was about to introduce himself when Jensen came out of the kitchen.  “Jared!”  He came around, clapping Jared on the back.  “Glad you decided to come on over.  This is Chris.”  He said, pointing to the other man.  “Chris, you behave yourself.  This is Jared.”

 

“Jared?  As in ... the nanny?”

 

“What I can’t be a nanny?”  Jared asked wondering if he was going to be one of those guys who had hang ups about men in traditionally female roles. 

 

“Man, Alec is going to love you.  He’ll never be able to climb all the way to the top.”  He said with a laugh.  Even though he seemed relaxed enough, he gave a look to Jensen that Jared didn’t well enough to understand.

 

“Come on man, I’ll introduce you around while Jenny plays in the kitchen?”

 

“Jenny?”  Jared asked as he walked past. 

 

Jensen didn’t look at him as he passed, but called over his shoulder, “Call me that and you’re fired.”

 

Chris laughed as he hooked an arm around Jared’s shoulders and pulled him into the rec room.  “Don’t worry Jared.  He threatens everyone at first.  The key is Alec.  Or alcohol.  Give Jenny enough alcohol and he’ll love anybody.”

 

Before he could think of anything to say to that, and he felt oddly inclined to defend his boss’s honor, they were in the room and he was being introduced to a group of people.  “Don’t worry about names, because we’ll all be around anyway.  Only one you won’t meet tonight is Danny, but you’ll see her soon enough.  Jen can’t live without her.”

 

“For the gallery, right?”

 

“Yeah, but she pretty much runs his life these days.  She keeps him going so she’ll be in touch with you too.”

 

“Thanks for the heads up.”

 

“Come and get it.”  Jensen yelled into the room and the guys all went for the grub.  Jared was left standing there on his own, shaking his head and wondering what his immediate future was going to be like. 

 

“You coming?”  Jensen asked from the doorway.

 

Jared nodded.  “Yeah.  Alright.”

 

“Beer?  Soda?”

 

“Beer if that’s alright.”

 

Jensen smiled.  “You’re not on the clock Jared.  You can drink what you like.”

 

“Then I’ll have three shots, a gin and tonic, and purple nurple, and a bottle of champagne please.”

 

Jensen let out a startled laugh.  “That would be…”

 

“Yeah, pretty awful.  Think I’ll stick with a beer.”

 

“Good call.” 

 

 

 

 

The evening was just about done when Jensen found himself in the kitchen, trying to straighten things up a bit.  Jared, Chris, and Steve were the only ones left and Jensen was riding a high on how good it had felt to have all his friends close.  It wasn’t like they weren’t always around, but with everyone’s schedule they didn’t normally have time to get together as a large group.  It felt good and he was glad that Jared had come over.  He seemed to have had a good time and he’d fit in well with the guys.

 

“What are you doing Jensen?”  Chris asked from the doorway.  He looked over at him and frowned.  Chris was leaning against the door frame, one hand rubbing the outside of the other in a gesture Jensen knew meant he was uncomfortable. 

 

“Um... cleaning?”

 

“You know what I’m talking about Jensen.  Tell me you aren’t doing this?  Tell me you don’t like him.”

 

“Chris, he’s going to be my Nanny.  I’m supposed to like him.”

 

“Jen-”

 

“No Chris, listen.  Yeah, he seems like a good guy.  Sandy hinted that he might have had a hard time recently and I can relate to that so what’s the problem?”

 

Chris came over to stand next to him.  “The problem is I see you smiling at this guy Jensen.  I don’t like it.”

 

“I get that you’re trying to be helpful, I do, but you got to stop this.  I’m a grown man and I can take care of myself.  This thing with Jared?  It’s nothing.  Sure, he’s attractive, but I’m not going down that route.  I still… I’m not over Michael and Jared is here for Alec, not me.  So just calm down and leave the poor guy alone.”

 

Chris looked at him a minute longer then sighed.  “Alright man.  Just… just be careful.  You don’t even know this guy.”

 

“You haven’t seen him with Alec.”

 

Chris’s eyes narrowed.  “Yeah, and that comments not got me worried at all.”  Chris held his hands up then, “Whatever man.  Just wanted to let you know we’re heading out.”

 

“Yeah, alright.”

 

He wiped his hands on the towel and followed Chris back out to the living room where the other two men were talking.  “Good to see you Jensen.”  Steve said with a quick embrace and a pat to the back. 

 

“You too man.  Let me know when you’ll be back our way.”

 

“Sure thing.  Good to meet you Jared.”

 

“You too.”

 

Chris didn’t say good bye to Jensen but he shook Jared’s hand and promised to stop by later that week to see how things were going with them.

 

When they were left alone, Jensen suddenly didn’t know what to say. 

 

“You need some help cleaning up?”  Jared asked.

 

“I hired a nanny, not a maid.”

 

Jared laughed.  “I’m on my dime man, I can help if I want.”

 

Jensen nodded because he really didn’t want Jared to leave just yet.  “How bout you grab the bottles in the rec room and we can hang out for a few up here.”

 

Jared nodded, heading out of the room and was back with the empty bottles quick enough.  Jensen opened another bottle and handed it to Jared who sipped at it slowly. 

 

Jensen got his own and walked into the living room.  Jared sat down at one end of the couch and Jensen sat opposite him.  “So, what did you think of the guys?”

 

“You’ve got a good set of friends there.”  He said with a smile. 

 

“Yeah.  They’ve been a god send.  Good people to have your back.” 

 

“I think Chris doesn’t trust me.” 

 

Jensen looked at him, then shook his head, looking down at his beer.  He was too drunk to be doing this and it really wasn’t fair that Chris’s words were coming back to haunt him already.  “Nah, it’s me he doesn’t trust.”

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

Jensen sat his beer on the table and looked at Jared, beautiful eyes and such an open expression on his face, curiosity and surprise and he couldn’t really help himself.  “Because I’ve been in mourning for over a year and I just asked a very attractive man to move in and take care of my kid.”

 

“Which part of that was supposed to make you untrustworthy?”

 

Jensen cleared his throat because he didn’t want to offend Jared, but in the end this needed to come out.  He knew the agency was discrete about his past but he needed to say it in case he’d read Jared completely wrong.  He didn’t seem like the hating type, but neither had the first nanny that had been brought into his home.  “The very attractive part.”

 

Jared’s mouth fell open slightly as he looked at Jensen, like he hadn’t expected anyone to notice how beautiful he was.  “It’s not an issue and you don’t have to worry about it.”  Jensen said, trying to make sure he reassured the man before he got the wrong idea.  “Even if I was interested… I mean… that didn’t sound right.”  He took a deep breath.  “I just meant that I wouldn’t date someone I worked with even if I was ready to start dating anyway.”

 

Jared listened to it all and Jensen saw him nodding.  “Yeah.  It’s… bad idea, all the way around.  And I’m…” he shook his head.  “I’m not really into the dating thing right now anyway.  You can tell Chris he doesn’t have to worry about me.”

 

Jensen nodded.  “Good.  I mean, I already told him he didn’t have to worry.  He’s just … Chris.”  He said to explain.  He wondered what Jared meant though.  His thoughts ran back to Sandy again and her comments about Jared.  He knew he could probably call the agency and she’d tell him what had happened.  She was just open like that and he doubted Jared would even be upset about it, but he wanted Jared to feel like he could open up to him when he was ready. 

 

It wasn’t like Chris thought, but they were going to be spending time together and Jared was living in his house, even if it was the in-law suite and he wanted this to work.  That meant getting to know one another. 

 

“I should probably shove off man.”  Jared said after a minute as he stood. 

 

Jensen watched him for a second then stood up with a shake of his head.  “Sorry man, still not used to how tall you are.”  He said to cover the fact that it he was starring.  Besides, it was lame but true.  There were plenty of people in the world taller than Jensen, but he wasn’t used to being around anyone who towered over him the way Jared did. 

 

Jared laughed.  “Don’t worry Jensen, I’ll grow on you.”  He turned to walk down the hall to the door that separated their homes.  When Jensen made to follow him out, Jared shook his head.  “Don’t worry man, I got it.  So, I’ll see you Monday, seven a.m.?”

 

Jensen grumbled at the thought of being up that early but he nodded.  “Yeah, seven a.m.  Just go ahead and let yourself in because I sure as hell won’t be playing host that early in the morning.”

 

Jared laughed then held his hand out, shaking Jensen’s briefly.  “Thanks Jensen, for inviting me over tonight.  I had a good time.”

 

Jensen nodded.  “I’m glad you decided to come.” He said, letting go of Jared’s hand.  Jared left then, heading down the hallway without saying anything else.  Jensen heard the door close and took a deep breath, wondering why he felt nervous saying good night to Jared, like it was the end of a first date rather than just a night with the guys.

 

**

 

Seven a.m. came bright and early and Jared, who had always been a morning person, was more than happy as he opened the door between his and Jensen’s place.  He was nervous and felt a bit skittish but excited as well and he was nearly bouncing with energy.  He was going to have a long day today since he was spending the morning with Jensen to get to know Alec’s schedule but he had a feeling it was going to be a good day.

 

Alec came stumbling out of the bathroom, eyes bright and wide and Jared crouched down.  “Good morning Alec.”  He didn’t expect the boy to remember him after just two meetings so he continued.  “My name is Jared.”

 

“Hi Jared.”  Alec said, his voice soft and slurred with sleep. 

 

He smiled, then stood up.  “Where’s your Daddy Alec?”

 

Alec looked up at him then down the hallway into the main part of the house.  “Where’s your Daddy Alec?”

 

Alec started walking down the hall and Jared followed him through the house.  Alec didn’t seem to realize he was there but it didn’t bother Jared.  He knew about the social disconnect that was a part of autism.  It would take a while for Alec to start seeing him as something more than a piece of furniture in his life, if he ever did.  Jared was patient though and he had always had success with the children that had trouble connecting with other people.  He thought it was just his inability to let it go, but the other OTs he’d worked with had said it was just his charm.  Today it was enough that Alec had looked at him when he greeted him.  It was a great start, something he was looking forward to building on.  He knew he’d need to watch Jensen with him for a bit to see how he preferred to work with his son, but he had some ideas already.

 

They walked into the kitchen and Jensen was there, dressed in designer jeans and a tee shirt that looked fresh pressed and tailor made.  He admired the broad shoulders and the tapered torso, allowing a moment of perusal before Alec made their arrival known.

 

“There’s your Daddy!”  Alec called out. 

 

Jared smiled down at Alec who was already moving closer to Jensen.  Jensen scooped the little guy up in his arms and hugged him tightly.  “Here I am.”  He said as he put Alec back down.  “Morning Jared.”

 

“Morning.”  Jared answered, as Alec climbed into a chair at the breakfast bar, his cereal waiting for him. 

 

“Coffee?”  Jared just nodded when Jensen asked and he watched the other man put his paper down and grab Jared a cup. 

 

He walked over to the kitchen and as Jensen handed it to him, he pointed out where the sugar and creamer was if he needed any.  Jared took the cup and dumped in the right amount of sugar and some of the creamer.  When Jensen arched an eyebrow at him Jared smiled.  “Yes, I do like a little coffee with my sugar.”

 

“Do you always walk through life on a sugar high?”

 

Jared’s smile brightened at the teasing.  “They bounce,” he said, indicating Alec.  He pointed at himself then.  “I bounce.  It all works out okay.” 

 

Jensen shook his head then looked back to his son.  “Come on Alec.  Let’s go get dressed.”  He took Alec by the hand and motioned for Jared to follow.  “I’ll show you where everything is in his room while we’re getting ready.  He’s potty trained, but we still have accidents sometimes.  He’s also really messy.”

 

“You mean eating?”

 

“I mean all the time.”  Jensen said with a smile and Jared could feel the genuine affection in the comment.  “When he eats, when he paints, when he plays.  If there is something that could possibly turn goopy and run down his shirt and get into his hair, he will find a way to make sure it does.”

 

“So he needs to be changed as soon as he gets dirty?”

 

“God no.  I don’t have enough money for that much clothes.”  Jensen laughed as they entered the child’s room.  “Just when he gets so gross he’ll start staining the carpets when he walks through the room.”

 

Jared laughed, letting out a little breath because for a minute he was afraid Jensen was going to be one of those neat freak people.  As long as he wasn’t worried about his boy getting dirty and let him be a kid then they’d get along just fine. 

 

Jensen gave him a quick run through of the large closet and informed him that they had some larger play equipment for Alec in the rec room closets.  Alec was dressing himself, but Jensen had to help him get the front and back right and had to do the closures.  He had a pair of jeans on and a white tee shirt with red trim that looked really cute and made Jared wonder how long the white would last.  When Jensen handed him his socks and laid out a pair of tennis shoes that were Velcro, Jensen pulled him out of the room and left Alec to it. 

 

“I took today off to show you around and introduce you to some of Alec’s therapists and his school teacher.  I figured we could drop Alec off, then I could take you to the gallery and let you see it, you can meet Danny, and then we can talk about his schedule before we go back to get him.”

 

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

 

 

“Good Morning Ms. McDowell.”  Alec said when his teacher stopped him, getting down close to him to wave hello.

 

“Good morning Alec.”  She said with a warm smile.  She looked up at Jensen and then at Jared and he could see her physically react to him as she took in his height and build.  He was used to it since most people didn’t expect a male OT, but he was hoping she would be one of the types that would adjust to it.  It would make things uncomfortable if she couldn’t and he really didn’t want to lose this job just because of someone else’s perceptions of what he should or shouldn’t be doing with his life.

 

“Wow, looks like you got a tall one this time.”

 

“Is that his new designation?”  Jensen asked, humor evident in his voice.

 

“If you keep him more than a week I’ll rethink it.”

 

Jared saw the small flash in Jensen’s eyes at the comment, but he didn’t say anything then and there.  Whatever the trouble with the other nannies had been, Jensen wasn’t happy about any of it and he wasn’t comfortable with people making light of it.  “Jared.”  He said, stretching his hand out.

 

She took it.  “So you’re the new Nanny.”

 

“Yeah.  If it’s okay with you, I’d like to come by this week and just observe Alec in class.” 

 

She nodded.  “Not a problem.”  She looked up and pointed to another woman who walked in and started talking to Alec.  Jensen had already joined her at his son’s side.  “That’s May.”  Ms. McDowell said as Jared watched them.  “She’s Alec’s shadow in class.”

 

Jared nodded.  “I understand he’s also getting speech and occupational therapy through school.  I’d like to sit through those sessions as well to see what he’s working on.”

 

Ms. McDowell seemed impressed that he wanted to learn about Alec.  He wondered if the other nannies had come to see Alec in school but he didn’t ask.  He was doing what he felt was right and it didn’t matter what anyone else had done.  “I just need to get Jensen to fill out the right paperwork and then it should be fine.” 

 

“Jared, this is May.”  He looked up as Jensen walked over with the young blond woman that had been playing with Alec.  She had her hair pulled back in a pony tail and wore cargo pants, a tee shirt, comfortable shoes, and had a warm smile for Jared.

 

“Nice to meet you.”  He said, offering his hand to her.

 

She took it and Jared talked briefly to her while the other parents came in with their children.  Eight children in the class and Jared learned that Alec was among the more advanced in the class.  It was an aphasia class which meant all the children had a speech delay, but of the eight boys, two of the others had autism as well, with their own shadows.  Luckily enough May didn’t mind the idea of him coming to watch Alec for the rest of the week to see what was happening with him. 

 

After a few minutes Ms. McDowell was starting class and Jared and Jensen took off for the car.  The drive to Crosswired took a half hour but Jensen filled the time with comments about Alec’s school, how lucky he felt to have his son in that particular program, and how he liked May and felt she did a good job with Alec.  She was also the person he saw for floor time two hours a week outside of school so he’d get a chance to talk to her more later that day.

 

He also learned that Jensen didn’t think much of the OT the school had, nor did he think well of the Speech Pathologist that had been brought in at the beginning of the year.  Jensen seemed to be on top of his son’s therapies, but until he saw them for himself, he had no idea what sort of a judge Jensen was.  Still, he believed parents knew their kid the best and if Jensen felt his son was or wasn’t responding to something he’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

When they pulled into the gallery Jared had no idea what to expect, but it wasn’t a brick and ivy covered building with a front that was all glass windows.  He could see a second story gallery through it, larger art pieces up there where the first floor seemed to house smaller ones. 

 

Jensen didn’t waste time getting out of the car so Jared followed after him, smiling at his boss as he entered the building.  Jensen stayed at his side when Jared stopped, taking in the gallery and the art around him.  They gallery had white walls and hard wood floor and reminded him of Jensen’s front living room a lot.  The art of the wall though was intimidating if he was honest with himself.  Abstract was the only thing that really came to mind.  A sign at the front said the current theme of the exhibit was transformations and he could see it in some pieces, if not all of them.  Some he liked, some he didn’t, but the gallery was well laid out he thought and it gave him space to enjoy without making him feel crowded in like museums sometimes did.    The pieces were obviously from different artists except for the back wall that seemed to be all of the same style.   

 

“I thought you were taking the day off.” 

 

Jared looked up at the voice and found himself staring down at a very attractive brunette.  She had long hair that fell down her back and wore a grey dress that was professional and just this side of feminine. 

 

“Wanted to bring Jared around while I had the chance.”  Jensen said with a smile.  “Danny, this is Jared.  Jared, this is Danneel Harris.”

 

Jared extended his hand to her.  “Good to meet you.  I’ve heard we’ll be talking a lot.”

 

Danneel smiled.  “Well let’s hope you can remember Alec’s schedule better than the others have.”

 

“I’ll do my best.”  Jared said and again he felt bad for Jensen, for having people that didn’t know what it was to work with a special needs child.  For having to start this process over and over again and wondering what effect they would have on his son. 

 

“Have you got a print out of his schedule handy?”  Jensen asked and Danneel was walking over to the front desk.  Jensen watched her for a second and then looked back at Jared.  “She’s been amazing.  I’d have been lost without her this last year.  She makes sure everyone knows Alec’s schedule, including me.  If you ever have any questions about anything and you can’t reach me, she’s a good person to call.  She knows who to call, where to be, and just about everything there is to know about me and Alec.”

 

Jared nodded.  “Good to know.”  He looked around as Danneel was printing something off the printer and then got stopped by a ringing phone.  “You really work here all the time?”

 

Jensen nodded.  “Yeah.  There are a lot worse places to be.” 

 

His voice was pleasant but there was something sad in it as well.  He wondered where the sadness had come from, why it seemed to permeate Jensen’s life, but he knew the other man had lost someone.  He wanted to ask about it but he didn’t.  If Jensen wanted to talk about it he would.  Jared just hoped he was around long enough for that to happen. 

 

“Sorry about that.” Danneel said as she handed him a few pages.  “Here’s the schedule.  There’s also a list of names, phone numbers, and addresses for you.  I can mapquest anything else you might need.”

 

Jared smiled.  “I can work mapquest pretty well myself.”  He teased, looking over the papers she handed him.  There was a graph that showed when Alec was in school, OT, Speech, Floortime, and ABA as well as the gymnastics class he took on Friday nights.  “Wow, he’s a pretty busy guy.”

 

Jensen nodded.  “Yeah, that’s why you need the schedule.  We’re working on getting ABA changed into social groups but that might take some time, and sixteen hours of additional assessment from the Regional Center.”

 

Jared nodded.  “Can I make changes with the therapists if we need to?” he asked as he glanced over it quickly.

 

Jensen nodded.  “Talk to me about it first, but if you feel things might work better another way we can give it a go.”

 

He should keep his mouth shut about the schedule, but he couldn’t quite hold it all back.  “I just… he might get more out of a speech session after an OT session rather than before it.”  Other things struck him as well, like that ABA came in chunks of three hours that would be too long for Alec, but he figured one thing at a time.  Especially if they were going to get rid of ABA anyway.    

 

Jensen nodded towards the stair on the side wall.  “Come on, we can talk more in my office.”

 

Jared followed Jensen up the stairs and to an office in the back corner.  One wall was glass so that Jensen could look out over the upper portion of the gallery and the rest was stone work like the outside walls.  It was large and comfortable.  Besides Jensen’s desk and two chairs in front of it, there was a couch that looked big enough to fit even Jared’s large frame.

 

“I use this space to show pieces to interested clients.”  Jensen said when he noticed Jared looking at the couch.  “Gives people a chance to sit back and see a piece on the wall before they make their purchase.”

 

“Oh.”  Jared said, taking a seat in one of the chairs.  The couch looked comfortable but he was there to talk to Jensen, not look at him.  “You said… you used your living room for viewings also?”

 

Jensen nodded.  “For larger pieces that I have in storage from my private collection.”

 

“I didn’t know you were an art collector yourself.”

 

Jensen shook his head.  “I’m not.  I inherited a very nice collection though.” 

 

Jared saw the way Jensen’s eye went to the gallery floor and he knew better than to ask any more.  He had intruded enough on Jensen’s grief today and it was still early.  He took a deep breath and then forced a smile.  “So, Alec’s schedule looks pretty brutal.  You gonna tell me all about it?”

 

Jensen shot him a grateful smile as he nodded.  “Yeah, let’s get through that first so you’ll know what you’re up against when we take him to OT and ABA today.”

 

Jared smiled.  “Oh, I’m looking forward to it.”

 

 

 

 

“This kid is amazing!”  Jared said, sighing into the phone as he stretched out on the couch.  “His OT was incredible and I can’t wait to see what else she has planned for him.  She gave me a really good idea of where he is developmentally and what sort of sensory issues he has and… I think Minnie is the female equivalent of me.”

 

“Jared, I don’t think the world can take another equivalent of you.”

 

He smiled at the phone but he knew he didn’t need to tell Sandy he was doing it.  “You’d love another me, that way you could keep me on the couch to cuddle with while you were watching TV and the other me could be doing the dishes.”

 

Sandy laughed.  “Maybe.  I’m glad it went well today Jared.  You think… I don’t know.  You think you’ll be able to make the cut?”

 

 “I know you can’t tell me anything more about what those other nannies did or said about Jensen, but I don’t think the guys been given a fair break.”  Jared said.    

 

“He went through a lot of people pretty quick.  It’s hard to just blame the nannies when it’s so many.”

 

“Yeah but Sandy, you should hear the way they talk about them.  No disrespect to your company, but Danneel didn’t think I’d be able to mapquest for directions let alone keep his schedule straight.  And his teacher at school seemed really surprised that I wanted to see what he was doing at school, like no one else had bothered.  It’s just… it’s really sad to think that no one else tried to get that involved with him.”

 

“Jared, I think you’re in love.” Sandy teased.

 

“Completely.”  He didn’t try to deny it and he found himself smiling at the memory of playing with Alec on the trampoline at his OT session.  “I think I need to talk Jensen into buying a trampoline.  Maybe I’ll just get one myself.  I could totally see Alec and I playing on that for hours.”  He was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling but he was already imagining his stash of toys and manipulatives that he had in the closet of the office.  Ball pit balls would be fun on the trampoline.  Maybe do some bead stringing in between jumping bits.  Or puzzles.  He needed to ask Jensen if Alec liked puzzles.

 

“Hello?  Jared?” 

 

Sandy sounded exasperated but he could also hear the worry there.  “Don’t worry Sandy.  I think this is going to work out.  If you didn’t think he was a nice guy you wouldn’t have signed me up in the first place.”

 

“I know Jared.  I just worry about you, okay?  You know that… if something happened… you can always come back to crash on my couch again, right?”

 

Jared sat up.  “Why are you so freaked out Sandy?  I told you everything went really good.”

 

“Yeah you did.  And you’re in love with that little boy already and he’s gone through so many people and you’re living in his house and… just don’t think you need to stick around if anything goes sour Jared.”

 

He knew this wasn’t about Jensen.  He took a deep breath and sighed.  “Give me a little more credit than that.  This isn’t like… I was just being an idiot.  I walked out on him Sandy, I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.”

 

Her voice was quiet when she answered.  “Good.  I don’t think I could handle seeing you like that again.”

 

Jared didn’t know what to say to that one.  Yeah, he’d walked out of the house, walked away from his perfect little life and the great apartment and the boyfriend who loved him to pieces.  The boyfriend who liked to verbally beat him into little pieces and be the one to put him back together again.  It’d taken him a long time to realize that David had managed to isolate him from almost every one of his friends, had disconnected him from his family, and had taken over Jared’s life.  It’d taken him a longer time to admit that he didn’t want to be that person.  The last two months David’s anger had become physical though and it was after that he’d walked out.  Thankfully, Sandy had been there.  It’d taken a while to get himself back together, to understand how he’d been so taken with David that he hadn’t seen any of it coming. 

 

Sandy said it was just because he was so willing to love people, to give himself over to them.  They didn’t talk about it much anymore, but when he’d shown up, battered and bruised and bloody on her doorstep, she’d just taken him in and helped him clean up his life.  This was the final step in that.  He wondered if some of her concern had to do with letting him go for the first time since it had happened.

 

“Sandy, this is all gonna be fine.  You don’t need to worry about me.  Jensen and I are getting along fine and Alec seems to be able to tolerate me which is a good start.  Tell you what.  You can call me for nightly reports if it will make you feel better.”

 

Sandy laughed a little but she still sounded sad worried.  “I know better than to try to ask you about your day.  Now that you’ve got that boy to fuss over you won’t stop talking.”

 

“You wound me.”

 

“I know you.”

 

They both laughed and Jared sighed.  “Nite Sandy.” 

 

“Nite Jared.”

 

When he hung up he plugged the phone in to charge and set his alarm.  He needed some sleep tonight.  If he remembered the schedule right, and he was determined to have it memorized this week just to prove that he could, then he had Floortime, Speech, and ABA to deal with tomorrow.  It would be his first day alone with Alec as well and he wanted to make sure he had plenty of energy for him.   

 

He snorted as he lay down in bed, wondering if his mama would believe he actually felt he needed more energy to deal with someone.  She’d get a laugh out of it if nothing else so he made a note to call her in a couple days with that tidbit of information.  When he fell asleep, he was still going through the list of toys and games and activities he and Alec could do on their very first day together.

 

**

 

  


 

The second day started out much like the first, except that Jensen wasn’t as awake when Jared made it through the door.  He nearly knocked into Jared in the hallway before he noticed him and then gave a half smile, muttering about caffeine as he walked towards the kitchen. 

 

Alec was already dressed and was sitting at the kitchen bar, eating cereal.  Jared noticed the way he grasped the spoon and the way he was able to maneuver it to his mouth, judging both his fine motor skills and his ability to judge spatial relations.  He was building a catalog in his head of the things he needed to work with Alec, but he knew the first few days would just be time to get to know him and not time to get into the nitty gritty just yet.

 

He talked to Alec through breakfast and Jensen sat back, watching for signs that Alec might go into a temper tantrum because of Jared’s proximity.  Nothing happened.  When Jared got his jacket for him, Alec simply put it on and pulled his backpack over his shoulders for school.  “No, not Miracle Max.”  Alec said when Jared opened the door of his car to take Alec to school. 

 

“We... named the car.”  Jensen said with a small smile. 

 

“Miracle Max?”

 

“We were watching the Princess Bride.”

 

Jared nodded with a smile.  “Alright Alec.  No Miracle Max today, but we get to ride in the Man In Black.  Hop on in.”  Alec looked at the car for a minute then got in the back seat without another word.  He didn’t protest when Jared put him in and Jensen smiled nervously at him.

 

“Seriously man, we’ve got this.  Don’t you have to get to work or something?”

 

“Yeah.  I just… he’ll be fine.”

 

Jared nodded. “Yeah he will.  Now go sell something so you can pay me.”

 

Jensen laughed as Jared got in the car but he was still in the driveway until Jared pulled out.

 

Alec got a little confused when they got to school but when he realized where they were he settled just fine.  He walked straight to his classroom and put his backpack outside.  May met him at the door and he spent the next couple hours talking with her and observing Alec with his classmates and teachers. 

 

The rest of the day flew by.  After school Alec had speech therapy.  When they were done there, it was home for a quick lunch before May showed up for floor time.  They played together in his room and in the rec room, letting Alec lead the way.  By the time she left it was already three o’clock so he took Alec out into the back yard for some unrestricted play.  Alec didn’t do anything but move around watching his shadow at first, but then Jared found the outdoor sound system and put in some music.  Alec didn’t dance much but when Jared got bubbles he ran all over the yard trying to pop them. 

 

They went back and forth with the bubbles and kicking a ball back and forth until Jared heard the back door open up. He looked up to see Jensen in the doorway, a smile on his face as Alec looked up and saw him.  “Daddy’s home!”

 

Jensen got on his knees, the same way he’d seen him do when picking Alec up the day before, arms out stretched to embrace his boy.  “Hey bud.” 

 

“Hello Daddy.” 

 

“Good day?”  Jensen asked Jared.

 

Jared nodded.  “Busy, but good.  Just relaxing with some bubbles.”  He said, blowing a new set at the two of them.  A bubble caught Jensen on the nose and it sent Alec into a squeal of laughter. 

 

“Any trouble?”

 

Jared shook his head.  “School was uneventful really.  He didn’t seem to realize I was there most of the time.  Everything else was cool.”

 

“Alec, it’s time to go in and get washed up.”  Jensen said, setting his son down.  “Come on, you can tell me all about it inside.”

 

He ended up sitting at the bar with Alec, telling Jensen about their day as he cooked dinner.  Alec drew pictures beside him and when Jensen told him he was welcome to stay for dinner, he decided it was better than going next door and microwaving something. 

 

It was almost eight by the time he made it back to his place, but tired as he was, he couldn’t stop his mind from planning all the things he and Alec could do next.  He thought about things he could suggest to Jensen, places they could go and equipment that he might be interested in buying.  He made a list and put it under a magnet on his fridge to add to as the week went by.  He still had a lot to learn about Alec, but on his second day in, he knew that this was where he needed to be and he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.  It was a scary thought, but exhilarating none the less.         

 

 

 

 

 

**

 

Friday night had never needed to come so badly.  Jared sank into the couch and looked over the back at Sandy who was dropping the Chinese bags on the kitchen counter.  “Yeah Mama, that was Sandy coming with dinner.”  He rolled his eyes over at Sandy and she laughed as she began hunting through the cabinets, looking for the right dishes.  “Nah, we’re just relaxing.  After this week, I don’t have the energy to go out.”  He laughed with her, could hear his father in the background asking what had happened that Jared couldn’t keep up with.  “I’ll call in a few days.  Nite Mama.  Give my love to everyone.”

 

By the time he’d hung up, Sandy had two plates with chow mien noodles and a healthy serving of everything else waiting on the counter.  “Eat on the couch or in here?”  She asked.

 

“Couch.  I’m dying to sit back and veg in front of the tv.”

 

“Good thing I decided to come by then.  I’d probably find you dead of starvation in the morning.”

 

He grabbed her from behind and wrapped his arms around her waist, letting his chin rest on her shoulder.  “Thank you, seriously, for taking care of me and for watching out for me.”

 

She swatted at his head and he knew it was because she didn’t like to get all emotional but he needed to say it at least once tonight and he figured he might as well get to it before the beer kicked in and he got all schmoopy on her. 

 

“Don’t make me hurt you Jared.  I am hungry and I have chop sticks.  I am not afraid to use them.”

 

He laughed, backing away and then grabbed two bottles of beer as Sandy set the plates on the coffee table.  Sandy popped a movie in and they were soon engrossed in Chinese food and action movies.

 

 

 

 

“Okay, but the ending…”

 

“Yeah, I’ll give you the ending.”  Sandy said as she dropped the plates in the sink.  Movie one over and while Sandy was pretending not to like it, he’d seen the way she’d watched it.   “At least the acting-” She cut off mid sentence and Jared looked up at her.  She was staring into the kitchen. 

 

“Jared… your kitchen is knocking.”

 

Jared laughed lightly and made his way into the kitchen and grabbed for the door between his place and Jensen’s.  He wasn’t expecting to find himself staring at Christian Kane.  “Chris?”

 

“Hey Jared.  Bad timing?”

 

“No, no.”  He said, shaking his head and taking a minute to catch up.  “You just caught me off guard.  I figured it was Jensen.”

 

“He won’t leave you alone already?”  Chris asked as Jared stepped back, letting him in. 

 

“Nah… I just didn’t think anyone else would be using that door.”

 

“I can go out and try the front door if you’d like?” Chris said, but there was a smile on his face and Jared could hear the teasing tone in his voice. 

 

“Any manners there Jared?”

 

Jared turned to Sandy and laughed.  “None.  My mama would be ashamed if she could see me now.  Christian Kane, I’d like you to meet Sandra McCoy.”

 

“Sandy.”  She said, offering her hand to the other man.

 

“A pleasure ma’am.”

 

“Don’t let him fool you Sandy.  He’s not a gentleman at all.”  Jared said with a smile. 

 

“Oh good, then I don’t have to act all prissy and proper.”

 

“Come on in man.”  Jared said. “Beer?”

 

“Why not?”  Chris said with a smile as he took a seat on the couch.  Jared left Sandy to entertain him for a minute as he popped a few more beers in the fridge to cool for later. 

 

He grabbed a cold one for Chris and was just sitting down to see what Chris was there for when the kitchen door knocked again.  Chris looked back a little guiltily but Jared was smiling when he answered it.  “Hey Jensen.”

 

“Did you pick up a stray tonight?”  Jensen asked.  “Because I’ll kick his ass out if he’s bothering you.”

 

“Nah, come on in man.”  He let Jensen in but looked behind him.  “Where’s Alec?”

 

“Bedtime was twenty minutes ago dude.  You don’t mind-”

 

“leaving the door open?” He said with a laugh, already propping it open. 

 

“Chris?”

 

Chris looked up, a mischievous smile on his face.  “Hey Jensen.  I take it you got the rugrat settled good?”

 

“And managed to track you down.  I thought you came to see me tonight, not check to see if I’d chopped the nanny into bits and pieces yet.”

 

“Just figured it was better to make sure I didn’t need to bury any bodies before I left for home tonight.”  Chris said with a wink for Jared.

 

“We were just about to put a movie in, if you want to join us?”  Jared offered.  “Free beer and movie, how can you say no?”

 

Jensen looked at him for a minute but then he shook his head with a smile.  “It’s been a long week.  I could use a beer.”

 

When Sandy came into the kitchen she gave Jensen a polite smile.  “Hello Ms. McCoy.”  He said as Jared handed him a beer.

 

“Mr. Ackles.”

 

“Jensen, please.”

 

“Then it’s Sandy.”  Her smile was warmer then, like she’d expected Jensen to be as stiff and formal with her as he was in the office. 

 

“Thank god we got rid of the rest of the prissy and proper.”  Chris said with a smile for Jared. 

 

“Hey!”  Sandy protested, smacking Chris’s shoulder lightly.

 

“What?  I was talking about him!”

 

Jared grabbed another beer out of the fridge and handed it to Jensen.  “Go on Sandy, get the movie started.  I’ll get the popcorn.”

 

Jensen followed Sandy in and he was left alone with Chris.  “So are you checking up on me?”

 

“Just checking in.”  Chris said with a relieved smile.  “You didn’t seem like the type to walk away after a week, but you never know.”

 

Jared shook his head.  “Nope.  I don’t have any intention of leaving.  Unless you want to tell me that Jensen really is going to chop me up and then I’d have to take Alec and make a run for it.  Short of that I think you’re gonna have to get used to seeing me around.”

 

Chris smiled as he put an arm around Jared’s shoulder.  “I think we can handle that.”

 

 

 

**

 

 

Jensen stared at the scene in front of him and he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry.  He’d decided to take off early and he knew Alec had a therapy-free afternoon so he hadn’t bothered to call Jared to see where they were.  It wasn’t that he was checking up on the nanny, but in a way, he was.  He had started to appreciate coming home and seeing Jared and Alec in the unguarded moments when Jared was just as much a kid as Alec.  It made him want to do the same thing, so today he’d decided to do just that.

 

Of course, he hadn’t expected to come home and find his dining room table covered in some kind of white foamy substance, with Jared and Alec in to their elbows.  Jared was laughing and Alec looked up with perfect timing to catch Jensen standing in the doorway.  “Daddy’s home!”  Alec chimed, running to his father, hands still covered in white. 

 

“It’s just shaving cream!”  Jared tossed out quickly so Jensen would know he wasn’t about to get slimed with something too nasty.  He knelt down for his ritual hug and then Alec was right back in the mess. 

 

“Sorry man.  Figured we’d have it all cleaned up before you got home.”

 

Jensen laughed.  “Just got done early and decided to take advantage.  Doesn’t pay to be the boss if I can’t take the day off to play with my son.”

 

Jared nodded.  “Alright.  I’ll just, clean this up and get out of your hair.”

 

“Hell no.”  Jensen said, giving him a playful shove back towards the table.  “I didn’t give you the day off.”  He said with a smile.  “So tell me why we’re playing with shaving cream on my table?”

 

Jared took a seat on one side of Alec and Jensen took a seat on the other.  He watched as Jared spread the cream over the table, leaving an even white surface.  “Can you write your name?”  He asked Alec.

 

Alec didn’t say anything but used his finger to start writing his name across the table’s surface.  Jared smiled at Alec, then up at Jensen.  “He was having an off day today and your playdoh supplies are seriously lacking.  We decided shaving cream would have to do.  It’s a good tactile experience for him.  He can squish it in his hands or try to make things from it.  Mostly, he wants to spread it out with his hands and draw or write in it, but it’s all good input.”

 

Jensen nodded, feeling something loosen finally.  He’d felt comfortable with Jared since he met him, but this was really the last lingering doubt.  The last bit of discomfort that said he’d hired a pretty face instead of a trained nanny.  The way that Jared was explaining why they were playing with shaving cream, the different facets of his development that were being explored with it, he knew that his instincts had been right about him.  In the two weeks he’d been there he’d seen Alec warming to him and Jensen hadn’t received a single phone call about missed sessions.  Danny had happily informed him that morning that she hadn’t had to call to remind him about them either. 

 

“You have any paint brushes we could use?” 

 

Jared’s question brought him out of his thoughts and he frowned.  “Sure.  Why?”

 

Jared pulled out a set of watercolor dyes, similar to food coloring but that didn’t stain, and smiled.  “Just thought we’d add a bit of color.  See how well he knows them and see what we can learn about mixing them all up.”

 

Jensen’s smile widened.  “Awesome.”

 

By the time they were done he was up to his arms in shaving cream as well and he wondered idly if Danny would think he was crazy if he kept a can in his office for stressful days.  Probably, but he decided it just might be worth it anyway. 

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Life settled down for the most part and once Jared got used to the never ending stream of friends that came through Jensen’s door, and began knocking on his, everything was great.  Alec was becoming more responsive to him and Jared felt like they were making a lot of progress.  He and Minnie worked out some exercises that Jared felt gave Alec a way to get more sensory input when he needed it but that let him stay in his chair at school.  May was as much a miracle worker as Jensen had said she was.  He also agreed that the school OT was flighty as hell and the Speech Pathologist didn’t have a clue.  He ignored those for the most part because there was no way to change them.  They weren’t actively hurting Alec’s progress any so he and Jensen agreed a formal complaint was enough and let it go.  His private Speech Pathologist, however, was an amazing woman who seemed to bring out more each time she saw Alec.  She gave him new things to try every week and they worked as a team, making sure that everyone was working on the same things. 

 

It was the way this was supposed to be, everyone working for the best interest of the child, but he knew it wasn’t like that in most cases.  That Jensen had managed to get such a great team said something about his persistence.  When he said that, Jensen had shook his head and just said “No, it says something about Michael’s.” 

 

He hadn’t asked and nothing more had been given.  Jared knew that Jensen had lost Michael but still nothing concrete.  It made him want to scream sometimes, but then Jensen would do something, say something, and Jared’s automatic response would be to put himself down or, on the rare occasion, to flinch, and Jensen would look at him with those beautiful green eyes, begging to know what had made Jared do that, but he couldn’t talk about it.  So he got over his own frustrations because he knew Jensen was dealing with the same thing.

 

Staring out at the yard, he watched Alec run around the back with Chris and Steve in tow.  One of them had the football and even though Alec didn’t understand the rules, he loved to run when someone else was running.  He was just chasing them, but Chris and Steve made big productions about how Alec was really playing football with them.  Jared might think they were trying to fool themselves into thinking something that wasn’t happening, but he’d learned in the beginning that as long as there was Alec and a football in the chase, that was enough for them to call it football.

 

Jensen slid into the seat beside him and handed a beer over to him.  “So Sandy coming over tonight?”  He asked.

 

He and Sandy had a pretty steady ritual going.  Friday night was their laid back night so they’d hang out on Jared’s couch and do nothing.  Jensen stopped by sometimes, but not always, even though Jared had let him know he was always welcome.  He was his employer, but both were laid back enough and they spent enough time together that it had been an easy transition to friends as well.    

 

“Nope.  Just me by myself.  She’s got a date or something.”  He said with a shrug.  He had heard enough about the guy to dislike him for no particular reason.  Sandy thought he was just jealous because she had a date and he didn’t.  He wished it was that.  He hadn’t really thought about dating anyone since leaving David, but there were times when Jensen did or said something and it made Jared wonder if it was that he wasn’t interested in dating just yet, or that he was only interested in dating one person.  He never let himself look into it too hard.  He was happy working with Alec, living next to them, and spending time with Jensen and his friends on occasion.  He didn’t want to ruin it with anything else.

 

“I have a huge favor to ask.  I swear, you can take whatever day off next week you want, if you’ll watch Alec tonight?”  Jensen said the words quickly; like he was afraid he wouldn’t get them out if he didn’t. 

 

Jared was a little surprised because in the five months he’d been working with Jensen this had never happened.  He’d expected it but it never had.  He found himself a little confused and a little hurt because what else would Jensen be doing with his Friday night except going out on a date?

 

“Hey Jensen!  You coming or not?”  Steve yelled from the yard.

 

“You trying to get out to their show tonight?”  Jared asked.

 

Jensen blushed slightly which was cute as hell and Jared would have paid it more attention except that he was so relieved to find out that he was just going to hang with the guys. 

 

“I can watch Alec.  Don’t worry about it.  I’ll let him pass out in front of the tv and corrupt him with horror movies so he’ll wake you up screaming for the next two weeks.”  Jared teased.

 

Jensen laughed.  It was strained and there was tension in the other man suddenly and Jared wondered what he’d missed.  “Thanks man.  Seriously, I owe you a day off of your choosing.”

 

Jared smiled, but when Jensen took off that night, dressed in his designer jeans and a green shirt that made his eyes stand out even more than normal, his black leather jacket covering strong shoulders and doing nothing to hide the firm physique underneath, he wondered exactly what Jensen was planning to do at Kane’s gig tonight.

 

**

 

 

 

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”  Jensen said with a sigh.  Steve set his beer on the table as he watched Chris fiddle with some of the equipment.

 

“It’s just a group of friends hanging out Jensen.”  Jensen glared at him but Steve just laughed lightly.  “Alright.  Maybe not just a group of friends, but honestly, you’ll like the guy and if you don’t hit it off, no skin off anyone’s back.”

 

“Does he know you asked him here tonight to try to set him up?”

 

“No.  We only do that to you.”  Chris said, coming up from behind Jensen.  He slumped into the chair beside him, grabbing his bottle.  “It isn’t really a set up Jen it’s just a couple of friends introducing a couple more friends.”

 

“In the hopes that two of them run off and have sex.”  Steve clarified.

 

Jensen moaned into his beer.  “God I should have just stayed home.”

 

“You need to get out of that house Jensen.”  Steve said.

 

“You need to get away from that boy.”  Chris’s eyes bore into his and Jensen felt the slight stirrings of anger.

 

“You don’t know how hard it is to walk away from Alec-”

 

“S’not the boy I’m talking about Jensen.”  Chris said, then got up as he motioned towards the door.  Steve flashed Jensen a tight smile that said while he was sorry for Chris’s abrupt attitude he agreed with his thoughts, then he got up and followed Chris to a group of people at the door. 

 

Jensen took a deep breath.  He wasn’t ready to be doing this.  He wasn’t ready to date anyone, wasn’t ready for a relationship or anything.  It’d been a year and a half since Michael had died, but he just couldn’t get over it yet.  He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh.  He’d really rather be hanging with Jared, watching movies on his couch, laughing at the strange and amazingly exotic types of new candy he came up with each weekend. 

 

He shook his head as soon as he realized what he was thinking.  Yeah.  Maybe he did need to get away from the house, away from the two men in his life that were always there with him.  A night out with grown ups, without talking about Alec and therapy and the latest games he played with Jared.  When the others made their way to him, Jensen stood, offered his hand to Steve’s friends and tried not to be too obvious as he looked Tim over.

 

 

 

Steve and Chris were finishing up their last set and Jensen was feeling pretty good.  It’d been fun.  The new friends Steve had asked out with them were good people, interesting and very well spoken.  He’d let them know if they were even near Crosswired to give him a call or just stop by.  He wouldn’t mind seeing them again. 

 

The truth was that he’d managed to lose a lot of friends in the last year and a half because he hadn’t been able to deal with people for a while.  Chris and Steve hadn’t let him slip away and he was grateful for that.  Anyone else that Jensen had managed to keep up with since Michael’s death could be attributed solely to those two men. 

 

Tim took a seat next to him, handing him another beer and Jensen took it with a smile.  Tim was laid back and easy to talk to.  He was a screenwriter and they’d spent some time lamenting the sell out mentality of artists in the area, of people who created what they thought would sell instead of what they wanted to make.  He saw enough of it running the gallery and he always wanted to tell people to just make what they loved.  He wasn’t that person though.  He didn’t have a right to tell other people how to live their lives, what to do with their talent.  As successful as Michael had become, even he’d gone through periods of doubt where he’d tried to make himself more marketable before coming around and going back to his own style. 

 

“Thanks man.”  Jensen said as he took a long pull from the bottle.  He saw the way Tim watched him, the way his eyes flicked from the working muscles in his throat to his lips wrapped around the bottle. 

 

He felt suddenly hot and it was almost too much.  He was a little drunk but not enough to delude himself into thinking he wasn’t doing this of his own accord.  He took a calming breath as he sat the beer down.  “You wanna head out of here?”

 

Tim’s mouth opened and closed.  Jensen might have smiled if he was in another place, another mood, but not tonight.  He knew Tim thought he’d been watching him discretely but Jensen had always been very well tuned in to other people.  “What?”  The other man finally managed to ask.

 

“Wanna take this back to your place?” 

 

He saw when Tim realized what he was suggesting and then Tim was smiling at him and it was brilliant.  Perfect row of teeth and even if it was too perfect, it was pretty to look at.  “Yeah.  I’ll just…”

 

Kane was already done by then and the stage lights were down.  He caught Steve’s eye and nodded towards Tim and saw Steve’s surprised grin.  “Don’t worry, Steve will let them know we’ve gone.”  He really didn’t want to make a big deal about this.  He just wanted to head out.  Tim seemed to agree and he led the way out the door. 

 

“I live close by.  You want to walk the two blocks or should I call a cab?”  Tim asked.

 

Jensen smiled.  “I can walk.  Probably be there before a cab would get here anyway.”  The air was cool out and Jensen let it brush over him, let the silence fall between them.  It was a good silence but it felt… a little off.  Like he should say something or do something just to fill it.  He didn’t, but it was still in his head.

 

The building they arrived at was one of the upscale apartments in the area.  Jensen followed Tim into the elevator and it wasn’t until it opened on Tim’s floor that Jensen knew he was really going to do this.  He stood back at a respectful distance when Tom pulled his keys out and opened the door.  He walked in after him and looked at the living room, taking in the tasteful décor, the soft padded furniture and the muted lighting. 

 

“Can I get you a drink?” 

 

Tim was still standing by the door, his jacket thrown across the back of a chair and suddenly Jensen was done with waiting.  He moved quickly, standing in Tim’s space, his hand coming up to reach into his hair, pulling his lips down to him.  Tim gasped slightly but then he was opening and Jensen’s tongue delved into his mouth, tasting and touching as Tim wrapped his hands around Jensen’s arms, pulling him closer. 

 

Jensen could feel the tension in Tim drain once the initial surprise left him, the rush of Jensen taking control.  Jensen pushed against him, pushing until he was walking backwards towards the wall.  When he was on the wall he pushed harder, forcing Tim hard against it with his own body.  Tim moaned into his mouth and Jensen’s hand tightened in his hair that was this side of too short, not giving him the hold that he really wanted. 

 

“Fuck.”  Tim said as Jensen licked his was down Tim’s neck.  Jensen’s hands found the buttons on his shirt and he began opening them up.  He pulled the shirt out from his jeans and then eased it off his shoulders.  Tim dropped his head back and hit it against the wall, laughing lightly as he did so.  Jensen nipped at his neck to stop the laughter and Tim’s voice became a moan. 

 

“Bed?”  Jensen managed to force out.

 

Tim didn’t say anything when Jensen pulled away from him, letting him up from the wall.  He walked out of the room and down the hall and didn’t bother to look behind to see if Jensen was following.  Jensen was only a few steps behind him but Tim’s pants were already on the floor and he was naked on the center of the bed by the time he walked into the room.

 

He looked up, a smirk on his face.  “A little overdressed Jensen?” 

 

The attitude was right, no matter what else was wrong though and Jensen smiled, pulling the green shirt from his torso and throwing it to the side.  He did away with the rest of his clothes just as quickly then knelt on the bed.  Tim reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out the supplies they needed, throwing them to the end of the bed where Jensen was waiting. 

 

He didn’t take his time, didn’t draw it out and make it last.  Instead he slicked his fingers and prepared Tim as quickly as he could.  When he leaned up to kiss him again, he thought he should taste sweeter, but when he pulled back and Tim smiled that too perfect smile, Jensen just buried his head in his neck as he buried himself in Tim’s body.  Closing his eyes, it was easier to forgot who Tim wasn’t, easier to just focus on the sensations instead of the need that he had been drowning in.

 

He thrust hard and fast into Tim, the other man moaning and pushing his hips back into Jensen’s movements.  When he was close, he wrapped his hand around Tim’s cock and stroked him until he was coming between them.  Tim’s body tightened around him and then Jensen was losing control.  He thrust into him, stuttered movements as his own orgasm hit hard. 

 

It took a few minutes before his breathing evened out and when it did, he gently pulled away.  He rolled over until his feet hit the floor and threw out the condom as he got up and began collecting his clothes.

 

When he was fully dressed Jensen finally looked up at Tim.  He didn’t seem surprised at all that Jensen was fully clothed almost as fast as he’d lost them.  “I need to go.”  Jensen said softly, suddenly ashamed of what he’d done.  He needed to get home. 

 

“Yeah, I figured.”

 

“I just… I’m sorry.”  Jensen said.  He didn’t know exactly what he was apologizing for but he felt the need to say it anyway.

 

Tim nodded.  “If you… still want to talk some time, you know where I am.  Sex isn’t mandatory.”  He said, grinning.

 

Jensen didn’t deserve Tim’s smile but he felt a little lighter for it, felt like maybe even if this had been a mistake that something good might come from it anyway.  “Thanks.”

 

“You need to call a cab?”

 

“Nah.  I got it.”  He paused at the bedroom door.  “Good night Tim.”

 

“Good night Jensen.”

 

 

 

He walked slowly through the streets back to the bar and it was mostly silent.  Even in the city it was late and all Jensen wanted to do was to get home and check on his boy and fall into his soft bed and sleep away the feel of the other man on his body. 

 

His car was still at the bar and there was a napkin under the windshield wiper in Chris’s handwriting telling him to call later.  He took a deep breath and folded it, putting it in his pocket as he got in the car.  He didn’t deserve friends like the ones he had, but he was grateful any way.  And yeah, he knew tonight was a mistake but he might not have made a mistake like this tonight without them.  He’d still be lying in his bed, not able to get his head off the pillow without them either. 

 

He wasn’t ready for this.  He wasn’t ready for dating and all that was entailed in that.  He started the car and pulled out, heading down the road to home.  He should have known it was a bad idea from the beginning but Steve and Chris had both worked on him until he’d agreed. 

 

It didn’t take long until he was parked in his driveway, staring at the house.  It was all dark, but he knew Alec was in there somewhere, probably curled up on Jared’s couch, TV still flickering on as Jared sat watching bad movies and keeping an eye on the little boy.

 

God he should have just stayed in with them tonight.  The fact that Tim had a too perfect smile and hair a little too short, shoulders not quite broad enough should have kept him in the bar.  It should have kept him from asking Tim to leave with him.  He was sure that Tim wasn’t the sort who would have asked him for that so soon.  It would have been friendly lunches and dating and sex would have been a little further down the line. 

 

God he felt like a heel.  It just felt worse as he sat in the garage knowing that Jared had been home all night, watching his son. 

 

He closed his eyes, the night’s realization coming far too late, too clear to his mind.  The reason Tim didn’t taste right to him, the reason his voice was off and his laughter made Jensen feel hollow.  With his eyes closed, it was too easy for his mind to replay the night’s events the way he’d wished they’d happened; with Jared underneath him, his broad shoulders and easy laugh.  His tongue and lips that were sure to taste as sweet as the candy he was so addicted to.

 

He squeezed his eyes tighter, feeling the betrayal that tonight was.  He could justify the sex, the need to find release with someone else.  He could justify his needs and desires.  He couldn’t justify that it wasn’t Michael he felt he’d betrayed tonight.  He couldn’t justify that it was Jared he had.

 

 

 

He felt sick from too much drink, even if he knew he was already sober, sick from the sex and the knowledge of what he’d done.  He took his time and when he walked into the house he stopped at the door to Alec’s room and found his son sleeping there, the door down the hallway to Jared’s place shadowed with the figure watching from the other side.

 

Jensen leaned his head against the door frame and took a minute to swallow down the guilt and recriminations.  When he looked up he could see Jared’s form retreating into the other house, the door closing between them.  It closed with a click that felt too much like finality and Jensen bit his lip to keep from sobbing at it.

 

He went to his room then and stripped out of his clothes and into something to sleep in.  He looked at his bed, the bed he’d shared with Michael, a bed that he could imagine so many things in.  He couldn’t sleep in there tonight, not with the guilt so heavy around him.  He went into the rec room and pulled a blanket out of the closet.  Lying on the couch, he stared at the ceiling for a while before the night’s emotional exhaustion finally caught up to him and he fell asleep, dreams of his bed, soft sweet kisses, and lips that tasted like candy. 

 

**

 

 

 

  Jared stared at the door between their houses like it would give him some sort of answer.  He had to go through it today, had to go to work and take care of Alec, but the last thing he wanted to do was see Jensen.  He left home Saturday morning as soon as he heard Jensen up and moving, just waiting long enough to know that Alec’s father wasn’t so hung over that he couldn’t function, then he’d left.  He’d gone to the park to do some reading and spent the whole morning there before coming home only long enough to drop his books off.  He’d gone grocery shopping and then met up with Sandy for a movie, treating her to dinner to find out about the hell that her date the night before had been. 

 

By the time he’d gone home, it was too late for Jensen to come over and he’d managed to avoid having to ask about Jensen’s night.  He didn’t want to know.  He’d seen Jensen pull in the night before, knew how long he’d stayed in the car before coming out of the garage.  He knew the sight of rumpled clothes and sex mussed hair and kiss swollen lips.  He didn’t have a right to say anything, but he’d watched anyway, watched with something like pain as Jensen had stopped to check on his son and then when he’d noticed Jared in the door.  He’d closed it before he had to hear anything more.

 

Luckily, the house had been quiet on Sunday as well.

 

He wouldn’t have that sort of luck today though.  He took a deep breath and reached for the door.  Alec was waiting for him.  Much longer and Alec would be upset at the change in routine and no matter how he felt about Jensen at the moment, Alec was his primary concern. 

 

He opened the door and Alec was standing in the hallway, staring at the door.  Jared took another deep breath, his senses taking in the little boy that he loved.  He’d let Alec fall asleep on his couch watching movies when Jensen had gone out and then he’d tucked him back into his own bed, leaving the door open for him to hear.  It was a lot longer night than he’d expected.

 

“Morning Alec.”  Jared said with a smile.

 

“Morning Jared.”  The little boy said, coming up and reaching his arms up. 

 

“What do you want Alec?”

 

“Want up?”  Alec said, grabbing Jared’s hand.

 

Jared smiled as he picked the little guy up and made his way down the hall.  He heard voices in the kitchen and was curious about who else was there.  He hadn’t seen any cars last night, but then again he’d been trying not to think about what Jensen might be doing. 

 

“So you gonna tell me what happened?” 

 

It was Chris’s voice and Jared wished just for once that Jensen’s best friend could call before just showing up and demanding whatever attention he felt he deserved at the moment. 

 

“Not much to tell.”  Jensen answered defensively. 

 

“Chris!”  Alec yelled suddenly and Jared continued into the room, afraid of being accused of eavesdropping. 

 

Jensen looked up stiffly as Jared came in and refused to look him in the eye.  Jared let go of Alec and the boy went running over to Chris who scooped him up.

 

“Hey squirt!”

 

“Coffee?”  Jared asked Chris politely.

 

“Um... sure.  Looks like I’ll be here for a while.”

 

“No, you really won’t.  I told you, nothing to be said.”

 

Jared poured his own coffee, trying to ignore the other men. 

 

“Yeah.  Sure.  Look, it’s not my business and I get that, but whatever happened, Tim called Steve yesterday asking about you.  He didn’t say anything because we weren’t sure what you had said to Tim.”

 

“I didn’t say anything to Tim.”

 

“What did you do to him then?”  Chris asked with what Jared knew was a leer.

 

“Chris… I have a busy day.  Get out please.”  There was resignation in his voice and Jared wanted to cheer it at the same time he wanted to strangle him since it would leave the three of them alone again.

 

“Alright.  I’ll talk to you later Jen.”  Chris smiled at Jared on the way out.  “We still on tomorrow night Jared?”

 

It took him a minute to remember the basketball game and he nodded then.  “Yep, see you there.”

 

And then Chris was gone, leaving Jared and Jensen alone to deal with this.     

 

 

**

 

 

It wasn’t getting any better and Jared was getting more and more pissed at himself.  He didn’t have a right to be mad at Jensen over the other night, but he could hear his tone getting more and more snappish when his boss would ask him completely innocent questions.  What was even worse than his sliding temper was the sudden desire to shut Jensen up.  They’d always bantered back and forth as they worked with Alec, but now when Jensen got home and started asking Jared about Alec’s day, he imagined pushing Jensen against the wall and pinning him there, shoving his tongue down his throat just to stop his questions.  He’d never been like that, never been the aggressive lover.  Oh, he went after what he wanted, but he wasn’t domineering in any sense of the word and the sudden desire to do that to Jensen was throwing him almost as much as his inability to let go of Friday night.

 

He shook his head of the image and looked up from the paints they were currently playing with.  Alec loved the thick goopy finger paints and they both had their hands covered in purple and red.        

 

“Looks like somebody’s having some fun.”  Jensen said, walking into the room and kissing Alec on the top of the head.

 

He bit his tongue to keep his ‘not as much as you had the other night’ from escaping.  When Jensen looked at him Jared nodded.  “Just relaxing a little before dinner.”  His tone was perfectly civil but there was something in Jensen’s eyes that made him think his boss knew that he was keeping the peace.

 

“Yeah.”  Jensen said, breaking away from Jared’s gaze as he looked back down at Alec.  “Do you… mind sticking around a little bit after dinner?”  Jensen asked.

 

It hit Jared a little heavier than it should have, but Jensen seemed uncomfortable asking him to stay around, and since when had he needed to anyway?  Before this had happened it was pretty typical for Jared to hang out until Alec was well settled into the evening and Jensen had time to get out of his work headspace.  It was jarring and somehow it seemed to flip the things inside his head as well because before he could stop it he was speaking.  “Why?  Got a date tonight?”

 

Jensen gave a mirthless laugh and just shook his head.  “Just need to talk to you if you can spare me a few minutes.”

 

Jared sighed heavily, feeling put out and then sad that he was feeling that way.  “Yeah, no problem.”

 

Dinner was quiet and Alec managed to gulp down two helpings of spaghetti before Jared had managed to do much more than push his food around his plate.  He liked spaghetti and he liked having dinner with the Ackles.  He hated the silence that seemed to be filling the space between Jensen and himself though.

 

“Hell.”  Jensen said, getting up from the table and taking his mostly full plate to the sink.

 

Jared did the same but was somewhat relieved that he wasn’t the only one having trouble with this.  He didn’t know what Jensen’s problem was.  He didn’t know what his own problem was.  He didn’t think of Jensen in a sexual way.  He was hot yeah, but when he looked at Jensen he saw the father, the caretaker, the friend even, but not a lover.  He wouldn’t allow himself.  At least, he hadn’t since that first week and he’d become immune to those lips, the lashes, and the eyes that all came wrapped together in a body that deserved worship.

 

Wait… what?

 

“Jared, about the other night…”  Jensen said and Jared needed to stop this. 

 

“You don’t owe me an explanation Jensen.”  He said.  He didn’t own Jensen, he didn’t own anyone.  If Jensen wanted to go out and play, he should be telling him it was about time.  He’d mourned for Michael for long enough, but…

 

God, he was screwed.  He couldn’t… he wouldn’t allow himself to let something personal come up now.  He liked this job and everything that came with it.  So he had a crush on the boss.  He just needed to get it out of his system and he’d be fine. 

 

“I just… things have been tense lately.”

 

“Yeah.”  Jared agreed.  “I just… don’t worry man.  We’re good.”  He was trying for sincere and either his acting was so good he should rethink his calling, or Jensen wanted things to go back to normal so badly that he was willing to let the lie pass without looking at it too deeply. 

 

“Good.”  Jensen said with a sigh.  “I just… Alec senses these things you know.”

 

“Yeah I do.”  He looked down at his hands then decided to just be done with it.  “I should go home.  I’ve got a game to catch.” He really didn’t need to leave that early but he did need to get out before Jensen said anything else. 

 

“Yeah, alright.  See you in the morning Jared.”

 

Jared stopped in Alec’s room quickly on his way out.  “Night Alec.”

 

“Nite Jared.”  Alec grinned up at him as he talked.  “See you tomorrow.”

 

Jared laughed.  “Yeah little man, see you tomorrow.”

 

 

 

 

“You seem restless.”

 

Jared glared at Chris.  The last thing he wanted to do was talk about his restlessness or the reason behind it.  Chris apparently didn’t get the memo.  Or the scowl.

 

“Things going okay with Jenny?”

 

“Nothing to worry about.”  Jared said, plastering on a smile.  “Man, you should have seen Alec today.  Tried to dress himself.  He came out into the hall this morning with his pants on backwards and with his shoes on the wrong feet.  Took me five minutes to stop laughing just to help him.”

 

Chris nodded as he handed Jared a beer.  It was part of their routine, going out to play hoops with the guys and getting drinks after.  “Pretty sure I’d kill for that little boy.”  Chris said with a fond smile. 

 

“Pretty sure?”

 

“Damn sure I’d kill for him.  Pretty sure I’d kill for his old man.”  Chris corrected.  “Sure you feel the same.”

 

Jared took a long pull on his beer.  He would and he knew it.  No doubt about it.  “Yeah.  Guess I lucked out the day I met Alec.”

 

“I was talking about Jensen.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes as he took another drink, not wanting to think about Jensen or anything else he’d like to do to or for him.  “Yes Chris, we all know your overprotective big brother act with Jensen.  If it hadn’t sunk in that first night, I’m pretty sure the last five months would have jarred it into my head.”

 

Chris leaned back against the bar and there was something in his posture that made Jared wonder what Chris was getting worked up over.  He rode Jared hard during their game tonight and the other guys had all noticed, pulling Jared aside to see what he did to piss the other man off. 

 

“I don’t see you getting out much Jared.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You don’t go out.  You don’t date.  If you aren’t hanging with Jensen and Alec, it’s either Sandy or us.  It just makes me curious that you don’t go out and you don’t have any friends other than Jensen’s.”

 

It stung to hear it like that, to be reminded of the friends he’d lost and to know that his mistakes were still so easy to see a year later.  It stung to think that maybe Chris hadn’t started asking Jared to play with them because they were friends, but because he pitied him. 

 

Jared started to take another drink but stopped the bottle half way to his lips.  He took a deep breath and set it back on the bar.  “Sorry.   You’re Jensen’s best friend.  I must have forgot that he was all important because somewhere along the line I thought we’d become friends too.”

 

He walked out, feeling the way the other guys were watching him even though they hadn’t been close enough to hear the exchange.  He held his head up and walked calmly out of the bar, even though he really wanted to lash out at them all.  Was it just Chris who felt like that?  Or did they all just let him tag along?  He heard Chris calling him back but he didn’t stop.  He was hurt and angry and he wanted to beat the hell out of him and he wasn’t that man.  He couldn’t be that man.

 

It was cooler outside and he made it to his car before he felt a hand on his wrist, pulling at him.  “What?”

 

It was Steve and although he hadn’t been the one to say anything, he could see in the way Steve was watching him that he knew what Chris had said.  “Don’t go like this Jared.”

 

“Why the hell not?”

 

“What he said …”

 

“It’s true.  I don’t have anyone but Sandy.  Alright?  I made some mistakes and I fucking paid for them but I don’t trust easily now and you were there all the damn time and yeah, I made friends with you guys.  Or I thought I did.”  He said with a shrug.  “Yeah, my life is so wrapped around Jensen and Alec that I can’t breathe sometimes but this is what I have now.  I have a best friend who would do anything for me, and I have Alec and Jensen and his friends.  You guys want to belittle that, go right ahead.  It’s a big fucking laugh.” 

 

He pulled away from Steve and walked to the driver’s side, throwing the door open before Steve said anything.  When he pulled out, he could see Chris at the door of the bar, his hands animated as he talked to Steve. 

 

He ignored his phone on the way home and as soon as he heard Chris and Steve on his voicemail he deleted the message before he could listen to it.  When he got home he showered quickly before heading to bed, but he couldn’t sleep.  He kept thinking about all the ways he’d messed up his life.  He couldn’t let this thing with Jensen make him lose the best thing that had ever happened to him though.  He couldn’t lose Alec and the friends he’d made.  He couldn’t lose Jensen.  He just needed to work this out somehow, work out the need for Jensen to be everything in his life.   

 

 

 

“Friday.”  Jared said as he watched Jensen send Alec down to the bathroom to wash his hands.  He loved to do it, loved to use the foam soap they’d started buying him.  He loved to squish it between his fingers, loved to run the water, loved it when he or Jensen came and asked if he needed help and he could show them his clean hands.

 

“What?”  Jensen asked, looking away from the hallway.

 

“You said any day.  Alec only has gymnastics on Friday so I was thinking of taking Friday off.”

 

“Oh.  Yeah, that works.”

 

Jared nodded, cleaning up the table so that there wouldn’t be a reason for Alec to get his hands dirty again so he could re-clean them.  He didn’t know what he would do Friday night, but the one thing that Jensen going out had shown him, was that he needed to get away for the night.  He needed to go get loaded and just have some fun.  He was sure Sandy would be willing.

 

“Thanks again Jared.”

 

He looked up at Jensen but there was something he didn’t understand in the other man’s eyes.  He nodded, not sure what to say.  It really didn’t seem appropriate to say what he was thinking.  ‘Glad I could watch your son while you had sex.’ seemed out of line.  ‘Happy to hang out at home while you get fucked.” seemed equally likely to get him fired. 

 

He forced a smile on his face then and nodded.  “Yeah, sure.”  Jensen’s eyes tightened at the smile, as if he could sense the insincerity behind it.  Jared didn’t give him time to say anything though, instead going after his charge and getting him ready for school.

 

 

**

 

Jared didn’t mess around.  He went after what he wanted.  He always had.  He didn’t know how to sit back and wait for things to happen to him, which was why he was out on Friday night with Sandy, kicking back shots and looking for just the right one.

 

Sandy was clearly amazed at the sudden change in Jared’s celibacy streak.  It’d been a while since he’d been with anyone and neither of them mentioned David and the reason behind it.  The few pick ups he’d had right after that had been shallow and made him feel worse, made him feel all the things that David had accused him of being. 

 

Of course, Jared had a whole new theory on why he hadn’t been interested in picking up on anybody over the last five months and it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.  Sandy had missed it completely though and he was grateful for that at least.  She thought this was still about David, and maybe some of his nervousness was about that, but mostly it was because he knew what he was here for tonight. 

 

At least he didn’t have to worry about anyone else finding out.  He knew that Sandy would recognize it for what it was once it happened, but this wasn’t the type of place Jensen’s friends hung out at.  That was the last thing he needed.  The last time Chris had been by, Jared was sure he was about to say something about it.  Not that anything would ever happen between Jensen and Jared but if Chris was going to keep watching him he could at least say it and get it out in the open.  He’d made an aborted attempt at an apology but that was it really.  Just a quick moment where he said he hadn’t meant it like that, but Jared hadn’t given him time to explain and then Jared was saying to forget it because he knew.  And he did, once he’d gotten past the hurt of that night.  That apology was more than enough for Jared because the last thing he wanted was to keep hearing about that night and how much of what he’d responded too had been David’s manipulation and not Chris’s words. 

 

“You’ve gone quiet again.”  Sandy shouted over the music.

 

Jared took the last shot and downed it.  He shook his head at Sandy then.  “Not quiet, just can’t hear myself over the music!” 

 

She grinned and so did he.  It was loud and crowded and just the type of place they liked.  The drinks were cheap and the crowd was rowdy and people were dancing their asses off on the dance floor.  He loved this place and on top of that, Sandy knew the bartender which had two advantages.  The first was that they rarely had to wait in line long for their drinks, and the second was that Sandy always had a ride home when they went out together in case Jared decided to take off on his own.

 

He looked up and caught sight of him then and knew in that second that this was the one he’d been waiting for.  Sandy smacked him on the arm and he knew his grin had broadened into something predatory.  “What?”

 

“Who are you staring at?”  She yelled into his ear.

 

“Jeans and blue shirt by the pillar.”

 

There was no mistaking the build, the dark blond spiked hair and light colored eyes.  His lips were full and his smile was just the right side of cynical.  “Jesus Jared you know who he looks like, right?”

 

Like he could miss it.  He looked at her for a second, his gaze hardening slightly.  “Yeah Sandy I do.  That was sort of the point tonight.”  He said, making sure she understood.  He’d told her earlier he’d be going home without her tonight and she’d believed him.  Now she knew why.

 

“Jared…” there was something in her eyes he didn’t like, something that looked like pity and he didn’t want to see that.  Instead he walked away from her, stopping for a beer at the bar before he made his way to the other guy.  He sat down at a table close to him and didn’t bother to hide the way he was watching him.  When the guy caught his eyes he smiled slightly and Jared motioned to the seat next to him.

 

The guy took it, tilting his beer bottle up to Jared’s before taking a long sip of it.  Jared didn’t take his eyes off him as he took a drink and he saw the way his eyes roamed over his body.  He set the beer down and smiled.  “Are we gonna do the formalities, or can we skip to the chase?”

 

The guy smiled.  “My car is out back.  Just a few minutes away to my place.”

 

Jared smiled as he stood up.  “Good to know.”

 

When he looked back at Sandy she was scowling at him, but there was still that look in her eyes and Jared wished more than anything that he’d have played stupid tonight.

 

 

 

It was late by the time he managed to drive himself home.  He had a good time, but as he pulled up in front of the house he knew it hadn’t helped a damn bit.  There was a light on in the front of the main house.  Jensen rarely went into the front showing room but he could see his silhouette tonight.  He knew Jensen was waiting for him to come home, that he was watching him sit in his car now.  He felt a little guilty because Jensen shouldn’t be up worried about him with everything else he had going, but it wasn’t like he needed to stay up.  Jared at least had a reason to wait up for him the night Jensen had gone out.  He was watching his son and until Jensen was back he’d been responsible.

 

Jensen wasn’t moving in the window though and Jared was tired so he got out of the car and closed the door, leaning back against it.  The cool night air felt good and he needed to clear his mind.  Jensen wouldn’t try to talk to him tonight, but Jared wouldn’t be able to sleep until he figured this whole thing out, at least in his head.  He hadn’t slept properly in a week.

 

Yeah, he’d finally managed to get out and get laid and that was novel, having sex with someone who wasn’t David.  He’d gone out looking for someone that looked like Jensen though, hoping to use that to purge his need for the other man.  It hadn’t helped in the slightest.  He spent the entire damn time comparing the guy to Jensen and then comparing all the things he couldn’t know, like how soft Jensen’s lips would be if they kissed him, or if Jensen liked it hard and fast, or slow and sweet.  He got off, but the ache was worse for it. 

 

He looked up again and Jensen was still there, and it made him hard, fantasizing about going into the house and kissing Jensen, having Jensen take him in the pristine showing room.  He wouldn’t though, couldn’t stand the thought of what would happen if Jensen wasn’t really interested.  Jensen had made it more than clear that he wasn’t a fan of casual sex and he wasn’t ready for a relationship and Jared didn’t kid himself that he was worthy enough to change Jensen’s mind.

 

He groaned as he sat up and made his way to his own front door.  He needed a shower and on top of that, he had a little situation here that needed seeing to.  He just hoped that he could see to it quick enough to get some decent sleep or if images of Jensen would ruin his chances of that tonight.   

 

**

 

 

They didn’t mention it on Monday.  Jensen tried his best not to think about it.  He’d tried his best all weekend and it got him nowhere except a calling out by Chris when he stopped by Crosswired to find out why Jensen had cancelled on him over the weekend.  He stared at the other man in front of him and listened as Chris reminded him what he’d said the first time he met Jared and Jensen knew he was right, knew that he’d managed to screw everything up but he didn’t know how to fix it.

 

“Look man, I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t care.”  Chris said and Jensen took a deep breath, looking out of his office and into the gallery. 

 

“I know.  Seriously, I know.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

 

“So you finally ready to tell me about it, because I’m sure tired of guessing.  When you and Tim hit it off I thought you might finally be moving on after Michael.  I was wrong though wasn’t I?”

 

Jensen bent his head to his hands and banged it a couple times on the desk just for good measure.  “I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out what it is I’m doing Chris and I still don’t know.  I thought… I thought I was just having trouble getting over Michael.  Tell me this though, how was I ever supposed to get on with my life and start dating again when I moved the perfect guy in already?”

 

“Oh hell.”

 

Jensen gave a mirthless laugh.  “Yeah.  You want to know what I said to Tim?  I apologized because it wasn’t about getting over Michael.  I was just looking for a substitute for Jared.”

 

“How’s Jared feel about that?”

 

“Like I told him that.”

 

“What did he say about the night?”  Jensen just shrugged.  “You didn’t talk to him about it?  I thought you told him everything these days.”

 

He knew Chris was teasing but he was at the end of the rope and he was getting really tired of hanging on.  “He’s been acting strange all week Chris.  I wasn’t about to admit that I’d had a one nighter that just clued me in on the fact that I really wanted it to be him!  Jesus!  Alec’s gone through enough in the last two years; he doesn’t need to be worried about adjusting to another string of bad nannies just because I can’t keep it in my pants!”

 

Chris looked shocked and Jensen realized that he had raised his voice and was staring down his best friend.  Jensen took a deep breath and sat back in his chair, trying to calm himself.

 

“Jensen.”

 

“I don’t know what to do Chris.  I’m completely lost.  I’m crazy about him, completely gone on him, and if I tell him I’ll lose everything I already have.  I could handle it if things went bad, but Alec… I can’t take that sort of risk with Alec.”

 

“You’ll never get what you want if you don’t ask.”

 

“What I want is a man who’ll love my son as much as I do, who’ll understand him and take care of him and be all the things Michael was capable of that i’m not.  I have that.  I’m not willing to risk it for a pound of flesh.”

 

“Jensen-”

 

“No.  This is just the way it is.  I won’t risk Alec’s future because of something I want.  I’ll find a way to deal with this and we’ll be fine.  It’s not like Jared would return my feelings anyway Chris.  He’s had plenty of time to make a move if he was.”

 

“Maybe he doesn’t know you want him to.”

 

Jensen shook his head.  “Told him I was attracted to him before his first day.”  When Chris looked surprised Jensen continued.  “That first night you met him, he stayed to help clean up.  I admitted that I found him attractive, so he knows Chris.  He’d just… prefer to go out of the house for his needs.” 

 

He felt sick to his stomach even saying it, but he knew it was true.  At the beginning he thought maybe there was a mutual attraction and he’d been wary of it.  Too many of the other nannies had come on like that, trying to get something from him.  Jared hadn’t acted on it though and Jensen had found himself getting more and more comfortable and he’d just learned to accept that Jared’s affectionate grin and bear hugs were part and parcel of the Padalecki personality.

 

“So there’s nothing to say anyway.  I’ll find my own way to deal with it and Jared won’t have to worry about having his boss hit on him.”

 

“If you’re sure that’s the way to handle it-”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen said, standing up, feeling a little better about it.  “I am.”

 

 

 

 

Jared didn’t know how things could get from bad to worse but they did.  He thought that getting it out of his system would make it better, but it didn’t because there was really no way to get Jensen out of his system.  He’d never realized it could make it worse because not only had it not helped, but he felt inexplicably guilty about sleeping with the other man. 

 

The tension in the house was growing each day and Jared wasn’t sure which one of them was worse about it.  He didn’t know why Jensen was so upset about it all since he didn’t talk about it.  He just seemed to close in on himself more and more, pulling Alec to him like some kind of demented shield.  Like if he held Alec close enough Jared would stop seeing him and only focus on the boy.  The problem was it was sort of working.

 

He didn’t notice it at first.  Dinner became a very quiet affair with Jensen talking softly to his son and Jared trying to get Alec to talk to his father about his day.  Jensen didn’t share stories anymore and Jared stopped as well because it didn’t feel so much like sharing anymore. 

 

Jensen started excusing himself right after dinner, clearing everything up with an OCD-like quality that Jared had never seen from him before.  It took a few weeks for Jared to realize that Jensen was avoiding being in the same room with him for too long.  He didn’t understand it and didn’t know how to ask about it either.  Oh, he knew the words to say, but he wasn’t sure he could handle to hear what Jensen thought of him that had him so upset he didn’t want to be anywhere near him.  It had to be something about him, about his personality, because if it had been anything else he would have found a new nanny already.

 

He took a deep breath and gathered himself together when he heard the door open.  Jensen walked into the living room and Alec looked up.  He spotted his father and went running as Jensen squatted on the floor and held his arms open.  “Daddy!”  Alec yelled, burying his head in Jensen’s neck.  Jared smiled at Alec but didn’t try to meet Jensen’s eyes.  He didn’t have the energy for the fake smile it would require of him.

 

“How was he today?”  Jensen asked too quietly.

 

“Good.  He’s tired.  I was about to put him to bed.”

 

“Sorry I’m so late.  Thanks again for staying.”

 

“No problem.  Like I told you on the phone, I don’t have an issue staying when something comes up at work.”

 

Jensen ran a hand through Alec’s hair and smiled tiredly at the boy.  “Come on bud.  It’s time for bed.”

 

“Bedtime?  No, it’s not bedtime.”  He said, the same way he said it every other night. 

 

“Yep afraid so kiddo.”

 

“Daddy, I want shark pajamas.”

 

Jared gave a short snort and Jensen laughed at it.  He had a pair of shark pajamas that he absolutely loved.  They had to hide them because if Alec found them he’d strip out of his clothes and run around in his shark pajamas all day long.  Every day.  No matter how clean or dirty they were.

 

“Let’s go find them.” 

 

Jared allowed himself to watch them walking away, allowed himself the moment to admire Jensen’s long frame and muscled body and the way he held his son’s small hand in his own.  He closed his eyes at the image and it made him feel like sobbing.  Then it just made him angry because he wouldn’t allow anyone else to see him cry.  Not after David.  He felt angry at Jensen a lot these days.

 

He grabbed the coloring book they’d been working on and closed it up, grabbing the others and throwing them into their basket.  He pulled the crayons together and had them in the box when Jensen came storming into the room.  “Where are Alec’s shark pajamas?”

 

“Um… I don’t know.”  Jared said with a shrug. 

 

“You don’t know?  That’s great.  Very helpful Jared.  I see now why I pay you so damn much.  Can see your college education really paying off there.”

 

Jared turned to stare at Jensen, his mouth wide open.  Jensen didn’t seem to see it because he was pacing across the room.  “So in the meantime while you’re busy holding a box of crayons my son is having a fit because he can’t wear his shark pajamas.”

 

“I don’t do laundry Jensen.  It’s not in my job description.”  He said, short and angry.  He didn’t know what made him say it like that, what made him think it was okay to respond with such anger, even if provoked, but it felt good.  It felt like taking a stand against what had been going on between them lately.

 

“Your job description?”  Jensen stopped and then suddenly he was staring at Jared, his complete undivided attention on the other man.  “Is that what this is to you Jared?”  He demanded.  “Just a fucking job?  This is my life, this is ALEC’S LIFE!”  He bellowed and Jared found himself backed into a wall by his own movements.  “If this isn’t anything more than a job to you we don’t need you here!”

 

“Just a job?  What the hell?  I’ve been here every second since I moved in for that kid!  I breathe for him, okay?  Don’t tell me I’m not enough because I know damn well that I do MY JOB well.  I don’t ask for time off, I don’t demand anything from you when you need to stay late.  I fucking let him stay with me so you could go out and get laid Jensen!  Don’t you tell me I don’t do my job!  I’m here for Alec!  But I’m the nanny and not a shrink.  My job description doesn’t include dealing with your shit!”

 

“My shit?  Who would have you as their shrink anyway?  Who the hell would want a whore like you in their heads?”  Jensen shot back with a filthy laugh.  “Hell, I’m not even sure I want one as a nanny anymore.”

 

Jared stopped breathing for a second and closed his eyes against the anger that Jensen was glaring his way.  He’d never heard Jensen use the word before, but he’d heard it before anyway, heard it so clearly in another voice that he had to fight his rising panic.  When he opened his eyes he couldn’t look up, couldn’t match Jensen’s gaze again.

 

“Yeah…”  He said softly as he crossed the room.  “You wouldn’t want a whore.”  He didn’t know if he was making sense or if Jensen would understand but he couldn’t be there anymore.  He should have left as soon as Jensen came home.  He should have just taken Alec to his place and when Jensen came he would have been able to stay there.  He should have just packed up his things before he learned how Jensen really felt about him.

 

He stumbled past Alec’s room, tears in his eyes as the little boy played, oblivious to the argument that had been going down the hall, happy as he could be in the shark pajamas he must have found on his own.  He didn’t say good bye tonight.  He couldn’t.  He’d never be able to say good bye to Alec and it was probably better if he didn’t try.  He wouldn’t understand anyway.  He just hoped Jensen’s next nanny was good enough to take care of his little man.

 

 

 

When Jared walked out Jensen was still gaping.  He’d seen the way his words impacted Jared, seen the pure look of pain and panic that had seized him and he wished more than anything in the world that he could take the words back. 

 

There was nothing that would though and he doubted there was anything that would ever make Jared forget what he’d said.  He tried to figure out why he was so angry and how it had ever gotten so fucked up.  When had he thought it was okay to treat Jared like that?  He’d never been cruel to anyone like that before, never intentionally hurting someone, especially someone he cared about.

 

He took a seat on the couch even though he wanted to run out after Jared.  He’d hurt him too much.  They would both need to calm down before Jensen could make the apology he desperately needed to.  He dropped his head into his hands and tried to calm down the turmoil he was feeling but nothing was working. 

 

He was an idiot.  He’d been so focused on not letting Jared know what he felt about him, so focused on keeping Jared with Alec that he found it harder and harder to be around the younger man.  He wanted him, needed him in his life and he’d pushed him away so far now he wasn’t likely to want to come back.  He had to try though.  In the morning, when they’d both had time to calm down, he’d try. 

 

He heard noise and looked up hopefully only to find Alec coming into the room.  In his shark pajamas.

 

“Look Daddy!  I found shark pajamas!” 

 

And he was so damn proud of himself for it and Jensen let out a mirthless laugh as he pulled his son to him, squeezing his eyes at the flood of tears that filled them.  Jesus, all this over a pair of pajamas and Alec already had them on. 

 

Alec snuggled into Jensen, his body lax and his sleepy eyes drifting closed at the deep pressure hugs that his father gave him.  Jensen held him even tighter as his tears broke, whispering soothing words in his ear that made no sense to the little boy but that Jensen meant.

 

He’d do what it took to get Jared back in the morning.  He’d do anything he had to, even if it meant admitting his own damn feelings.

 

**

 

 

He didn’t mean to do it.  Well, of course he meant to use the spare key to open the door between the two households, but it wasn’t like he did it to go spy on Jared.  He’d knocked at first but the other man didn’t answer.  He knocked louder and listened closely to see if maybe Jared was inside but just not answering because it was him.  The problem with that of course was that they’d made sure the walls were pretty well sound proof for when Michael’s family came to visit. 

 

He wondered how mad Jared was at him but he already knew it wasn’t anger that had caused Jared to turn tail in that argument and run.  Something darker was happening there and suddenly the silence on the other side of the door was too final.  He dropped Alec into his own bedroom and put in one of his movies, knowing he’d be distracted by it and if for some reason he came out he’d be able to see Jared’s door open and curiosity would take him there. 

 

That done, he found the spare key and opened the door.  He called Jared’s name softly as he entered and stopped at the edge of the kitchen to find a stack of boxes and half the living area clean of the tell tale signs of Jared’s life there.  “Jared!”  He was in near panic mode again and even if he knew he needed to calm down he couldn’t.  He moved through the apartment and stopped again at Jared’s bedroom door.  It was thrown wide open and he had a perfect picture of Jared with Sandy tucked up into his chest, one arm wrapped across him.  His eyes went wide and he took a step back.

 

It must have drawn Sandy’s attention because suddenly she was sitting up, looking beautifully rumpled in one of Jared’s tee-shirts.  “Jensen?”

 

Jared opened his eyes and looked up.  When he saw Jensen there he watched the pain flare again, watched as Jared sat up and buried his head in his hands.  “What do you want Jensen?”

 

“I… we need to talk.”

 

“I’ll be out of here this weekend don’t worry.”

 

Sandy’s eyes were boring into Jensen but he didn’t waste any energy on her anger.  He had enough to contend with the tone of Jared’s voice.

 

“I don’t want you to go Jared.”

 

“Last night you said-”

 

“Yeah, I said a lot of stupid things last night.”

 

Jared looked up, shaking his head.  “I… just… you broke in.”  He said, confusion on his face suddenly.

 

Jensen looked down at his feet.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t plan to but when you didn’t answer and… I sort of panicked and got the key.”

 

Jared looked over at Sandy and Jensen realized that he couldn’t do this with her there.   “I’m sorry.  Jared please, just let me talk to you, before you pack everything up?  Please?  I’ll… I’ll go make some coffee and you can come in when you’re ready?”

 

Jared didn’t say anything but Sandy looked at him closely and nodded.  “He will.  Give him time to shower and he’ll be over.”

 

Jensen had never been so close to hitting a woman in all his life as he was Sandy McCoy who was sitting half naked in Jared’s bed.  He’d never been so close to kissing one either if she could help him get Jared to stay.  He nodded to her and backed out of the hallway and back to his own place, locking the door behind him and wishing to god he’d learned from just one of his fights with Michael how to control his temper.

 

 

 

Sandy came into the kitchen a half hour later, hair pulled into a wet bun and looking like she’d rather be eaten by a herd of killer ants than come up to talk to him. 

 

“Where’s Jared?”  Jensen asked, trying to sound casual.

 

“Still getting dressed.  He… he asked if I’d send you back to him.  He didn’t say it, but I think he wants the home court advantage on this one.”

 

Jensen nodded.  He grabbed a coffee mug and poured some coffee and handed it to Sandy, sliding the sugar and creamer to her if she wanted it. 

 

“Thanks.” She said with a polite, but forced, smile.

 

He grabbed another mug and poured it.  He added in the sugar and creamer just the way Jared liked it.

 

“That how you drink your coffee?”  Sandy asked.  “I thought you were more of the straight black coffee type.”

 

He nodded.  “I am.  It’s for Jared.”

 

“You know how to fix his coffee?”

 

“He’s been living with us for six months.  I’m pretty observant.” 

 

“And you didn’t see this coming?”

 

Jensen closed his eyes and tried to think how to answer that but Alec saved him.  “Daddy?  I want juice please.”

 

Sandy smiled at Alec and was slipping out of her stool at the breakfast bar before Jensen could answer.  “Sure thing sweetie.  How about you and I hang out a bit while Daddy goes and has a talk with Jared?”

 

Alec looked at Jensen and then back to Sandy.  He held his cup out to her.  “Oh look!  It’s cup!  Hi cup!  I want juice please.” 

 

He smiled softly at his son. The fact that he was able to talk to Sandy like that really said so much about his improvement, even if the words were still rote.  He was putting things in his own order now and he knew it was Jared’s influence in his life that was making that happen. 

 

“Yeah.  Alright.  He was watching a movie in my bedroom if you want to watch with him.”

 

“I was ordered to, in fact.”  She said with a small smile.  “Jared told me I better keep an eye on his little man until the two of you were done.”

 

He nodded and decided it was probably better to just get moving instead of try to ask Sandy any more.  Besides, the only thing he could think to ask her just then was when she’d started sleeping with Jared and what was actually happening under those covers?  It wasn’t where he needed his head to be just then.  Instead he took his own cup of coffee and one for Jared and made his way back to Jared’s house.

 

Jared’s door was left open and when Jensen walked in he saw Jared sitting on the couch wearing nothing but a pair of jeans with his hair still dripping, his head resting in his hands again.  He knew it had to be a mirror image of how he’d looked last night when Alec came in to show off his pajamas and how well he’d managed to put them on by himself. 

 

“Coffee?”  He said softly.

 

Jared looked up, eyes clouded with uncertainty and Jensen wanted to smack himself for making him look like that.  “Thanks.  I didn’t get a chance to make any yet.”

 

“Figured it might help if we were both caffeinated enough to talk.”

 

Jared snorted as he took the steaming mug from Jensen and rolled it between his palms.  “I’m not sure there’s enough caffeine in the world to make me ready for this conversation.”

 

Jensen took a sip of his coffee because he didn’t know how to answer that except to agree with it.  He took a seat in a chair across from the couch and set his mug down on the table.  “Jared, I don’t want you to go.  I’m sorry about what I said.  I was just… it was a long day and Alec was flipping out over his pajamas and I couldn’t find them.  I’ve always had a bad temper like that and you were there when I needed to vent it at someone.  I’m sorry.”

 

Jared looked up at him finally, meeting his eyes for the first time since Jensen had walked in.  He didn’t say anything though so Jensen kept going.  “Alec needs you.  I… I need you here.  I can’t take care of Alec alone and you’ve been here too long.  I don’t think I could handle letting someone that wasn’t you take care of him.  He loves you and I don’t want him to lose that because I can’t keep my mouth shut.”

 

Jared looked down into his mug again and took a deep breath.  “I’ll stay.  For Alec, I’ll stay.”

 

Jensen took a deep breath because it was more than he deserved but less than he wanted.  He had to go farther than that, he knew, if he expected more.  As much as he didn’t want to, he needed to clear this up now.  He looked into his own mug then, afraid to see what Jared’s reaction would be.

 

“I was jealous.”  He said honestly.  More honest than he’d been in a long time with Jared.  More honest than he’d been since the night he’d realized he was in love with him.  “That night you stayed out, I was jealous.  I haven’t been thinking straight ever since.  I’m not mad at you I just… I was jealous and I never thought I’d be like that.”

 

When Jensen looked up Jared was watching him with hard eyes.  “You don’t get to be jealous Jensen.  You don’t have that right.  I don’t belong to you.  I might work for you, and yeah I live in the house that you own, but you don’t own me.”  He walked up to Jensen and shook his head.  “Why would you want a whore anyway?”

 

Before he could say anything else, Jared was closing himself into his bedroom and Jensen was left in the middle of the room alone.  He had Jared back for his son, but he wasn’t sure Jared would ever forgive him for the words he’d tossed out so carelessly.  He told Chris he could do this, that he could make it work for Alec, but standing in Jared’s living room alone, he wasn’t so sure anymore.

 

 

On Monday morning Jensen made a big breakfast hoping it would be seen as the peace offering it was.  Jared came in, hesitant in ways he hadn’t been since the first week he’d started working there.  He got his own coffee, but he looked at Jensen like he was asking permission first. 

 

“I should go check on Alec.”  Jensen said, trying to get away from the uncomfortable silence in the kitchen.

 

“He’s fine.  He’s trying to get dressed by himself so it might take him a few minutes.”  Jared answered. 

 

“You don’t think he might need help?”

 

“Yeah, but it will be good for him to come ask for it.” 

 

Jensen nodded.  “Alright.”  He grabbed two plates and set them by the breakfast bar where they normally ate.   He had his own plate made already so he settled himself by making one for Alec.  He reached for the third plate but Jared’s hand on his wrist stopped him. 

 

“I can make my own.  I’m not incompetent.”

 

Jensen’s mouth dropped as Jared took the plate and walked over to the stove and got his own plate.  It’d become so much a part of their routine that Jensen didn’t think about it anymore.  Just fill the plates and the cups.  He knew what Jared liked to eat just like he knew what Alec would eat.  He knew that Jared like his orange juice with pulp so he bought it even though he liked it without.  That Jared was suddenly upset by the routine made him wonder if it had always grated on his nerves and he was just now telling him or if this was something from their fight.

 

“I know you aren’t.  Sorry.  I just…”

 

He watched Jared’s shoulders drop and he wanted to kick himself for it.  When Jared turned around though, plate piled high, he looked Jensen in the eye.  “Now I’m the one who’s sorry.  I know you didn’t mean anything by it.  I’m just… a little bruised ego right now is all.  Just give me some space Jensen.”

 

“Yeah.  I can do that.”

 

“Daddy!”  Alec came running into the room then, his clothes on perfectly but with his shoes on the wrong feet.  Jensen picked him up and kissed him quickly before putting him on a stool for breakfast.  As Alec dug into his eggs, Jensen pulled his shoes off to fix them.  He started putting the right one on and realized Jared was doing the other.  When he looked up, Jared was smiling fondly at Alec and then at him as he noticed Jensen watching him look at his boy.  He felt something loosen a little in his chest.  Maybe they’d get through this after all.

 

**

 

 

“Jensen you need to calm down.  You’ve done this before.”

 

Jensen took a deep breath but he was a mess.  He looked at the paper in his hand and shuddered.  “No.  I haven’t.”

 

“You did this the last two years right?”  Chris asked.

 

“What’s wrong?”  Jared has just set Alec to working on a puzzle when the two men had come into the living room. 

 

“Alec’s IEP notice.”  Jensen said to Jared, then turned to Chris.  “And no, I didn’t do it before.  Michael did it.  I’ve never even been to an IEP before.  I don’t know who will be there or what I should do or… hell.”  He let out a deep sigh and Jared couldn’t help but feel for the man.  “Michael should never have lef-”

 

“Don’t you dare finish that Jensen!”  Chris said, more anger in his voice than Jared had ever heard.  “Michael didn’t have a choice and neither do you.  Yes Michael was a devoted father but he was because you worked to make sure you could have this home.  Just because he took care of this on his own doesn’t mean you can’t do it now.”

 

“I can’t do this alone Chris.”

 

There was something like panic in his voice and even though Jared had been trying to keep clear of Jensen and any sort of personal attachment to the man he felt like the world had just bottomed out on him.  He didn’t know the person Michael had been.  He knew in a vague sense but Jensen still never talked about him.  Jared could feel the desperation in Jensen today though, could feel how the hole Michael left in his life was killing him.

 

“You don’t have to do it alone Jensen.”  Jared said as he got up from the table.  Jensen’s head shot up at him and Chris just turned slightly as if he was gauging Jensen’s reactions more than Jared’s words.  “I’ll come to the IEP with you if you get someone to watch Alec.  I’ve been involved with them before.”

 

“You’d be willing to do that?”  He asked.

 

Jared gave him his best smile though he didn’t feel near as confident as all that.  “Of course I would.  You didn’t really expect me to pass up a chance to remind the school what an idiot they have working for them, did you?”

 

He could see Jensen’s relief when he said he’d go.

 

“What idiot?”  Chris asked.

 

“School OT.  She hasn’t got a brain in her head.  She has no originality and can’t think outside the box at all.  Alec is bored stiff during her sessions.”

 

“He might not be if he didn’t have his own personal Jared gym at his beck and call.”  Jensen said, a slight smile on his lips.  It was the first one Jared had seen in a while so he went along with it. 

 

“What can I say?  I’m just that awesome.”

 

“And modest.”

 

“Yes, modest to a fault.  It’s my greatest weakness.”

 

Chris laughed and Jared found himself laughing too.  Jensen seemed to be waiting on a cue from Jared and when he started Jensen followed along.  It wasn’t nearly as funny as that, but there had been so much tension it took a lot of laughter to get through it and they were giving it their best try. 

 

When Alec heard it he looked up from his puzzle and came running over.  He threw his head back and let out a laugh that was a pure imitation of his father’s and Jared grabbed him up, spinning him around tightly in a way he couldn’t Jensen.  They all laughed harder at the boy’s antics.  Jared figured his laugh was the only one that was holding back tears though.

 

 

“They want to do what?”

 

Jared cringed at the sound of Jensen’s voice, even over the phone.  “I know this is a shock Jensen, but we just need to take a look at the schools and see what you think is best.”

 

“Why are we just hearing about it now?”

 

“I think we were lucky not to get blindsides about this at the IEP Jensen.  Ms. McDowell is doing her best to look out for Alec here.  Look, I know you’re already stressed about the IEP.  We just need to call the other school and have a look at their program.  I already scheduled to come in tomorrow morning and look at the program here.”

 

“We know the program there, why are we looking again?”

 

Jared sighed.  Alec had been in the same preschool program for the past two years but he was moving into kindergarten the next year so it would be a new program even if it was in the same school.  “Because you’ll want to see his new room and the teacher he’ll be with before you  make a decision about what school is best for him.”

 

“You think you’ll be able to get us in to the other one in three days?” 

 

He wasn’t entirely sure he could.  He’d already left a message with the other special needs teacher but the school was going through end of the year testing and the front office had said it was unlikely he’d be able to get into the classroom.  Jensen didn’t need to hear that though.  Instead he smiled into the phone.  “Of course man.  I’ll work my magic and when the IEP comes we’ll have a better idea of where you want Alec to be.”

 

“Why can’t they just keep him there?”

 

“Someone thinks the other class would be a better fit for him Jensen.  Do you really want to fight the school district when you haven’t even checked it out?  I mean, we can, but don’t you want to make sure we’re getting him into the best program?”

 

“Yeah.”  Came the tired reply.  “Thanks Jared.  Just let me know when and where.”

 

“Sure thing boss man.”  He hung up then and sighed before dialing another number.  He’d harass the school if he had to.  He was going to get Jensen in to see the other class before the big day, even if he had to drive over there and stake the teacher out himself.    

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Take a deep breath Jensen.  It’s just school administration, not an execution squad.”

 

“Easy for you to say.”

 

Jared grabbed Jensen by the shoulders and pulled him around so the had to look at him.  They’d both done their share of looking away from each other for the last two weeks.  Hell they’d done far too much of it in the last couple months of his employment to last him a lifetime.  It was hard.  Jensen didn’t know about his past, didn’t know how something he’d said could be taken so harshly and Jared was trying, he really was, to let it go.  It wasn’t easy and mostly because of what he felt for Jensen.  He had too much invested in this man and his family.  He wanted to get past whatever all this was and to just go back to what they’d had before he and Jensen had both decided to hit the bar scene. 

 

Right now though, he just had to get Jensen to calm down.  He needed to be sharp at this meeting, not bloodthirsty.  “Hey, I have just as much at stake here as you do.  We’ll get Alec what he needs Jensen.  We aren’t asking for too much and the school will see that.  Don’t get worked up.  When you see me get worked up, then you can follow, alright?”

 

“You mean that, don’t you?”  Jensen asked, his eyes a little wider than normal.

 

“Yeah, just follow my lead.  You trust me right?  I got you into the schools to see the programs and I’ll get you through this.”

 

“No, I meant… about having as much at stake.”

 

“Of course I do.  I mean it’s Alec, my little man.  I’m not letting them cut his services.”  Jensen looked down then and Jared understood what he’d been asking.  He wanted to curse, wanted to smack Jensen until he realized that Jared was completely addicted to Alec and could never walk out on him.  He also wanted to kiss him until he realized Jared would never walk out on him either, and wasn’t that thought something that kept him up at night?

 

Sandy had talked to him long and hard about what had happened that night with Jensen.  She reminded him that they knew Jensen had a bit of a temper but that it was hardly the worst insult.  It wasn’t even something Jared would have considered an insult before David.  Hell, he wouldn’t have considered that an insult from David, just a truth even though Jared had never, and would never, be unfaithful to a lover.  He just wasn’t built like that.

 

“Jensen?”  Ms. McDowell called his name and they both looked up.  “We’re ready for you now.”

 

**

 

Jared could hear the thumping of music through the walls and he smiled at the idea of what the other guys were getting into.  Jensen had a right to celebrate tonight and Jared had called Sandy to tell her that he was ready to celebrate also.  She’d come straight over from work and they’d been having their own celebration of ice cream and junk food ever since.  He heard a knock on the kitchen door and shook his head.

 

“If Mike doesn’t stop trying to convert me to Mormonism I’m going to throw him out the front door this time.”

 

Sandy laughed.  “I thought he was catholic.”

 

“He’s a pain in the ass.”  Jared said as he opened up.  “Chris!  Hey man.”

 

“So, you’re not joining the party?”  Chris asked as he walked in.  “Hey Sandy.” 

 

“Hey Chris.  Sounds like you have a hell of a bash going on over there.”

 

“Yeah.  Just wondered why you two weren’t in there.”

 

“Are we invited?”  Sandy asked.

 

Chris looked at Jared who shrugged before looking over at Sandy.  “Um yeah we were.  I just… its Jensen’s celebration.”

 

Chris snorted.  “Bull fucking shit.”  He said as he came over and wrapped an arm around Sandy’s shoulders.  “Jensen can’t stop talking about you man.  Keeps talking about how you walked him through it all and how when the evil OT from hell tried to talk about Alec you stepped in and saved the day.”  He winked at Sandy.  “I swear words like gallant and chivalry were being bandied around.”

 

Sandy laughed.  “Really?  I think this is something we should go see Jared.”

 

Jared shook his head.  “You go on Sandy.  I’m going to finish my ice cream in peace.”

 

“Jared-”

 

“Seriously, I want you to go have fun.  You can tell me what an ass everyone made of each other when you come back.”

 

Chris whispered something in her ear and she looked at him for a second and then back at Jared.  “Alright, but I’ll be back.  Don’t you lock me out!”

 

“Jensen has a key if I do, remember?”

 

She blushed seven shades of embarrassed and he winked at Chris as he led her through the door.  Alone with himself though, he wished Sandy hadn’t deserted him.  He’d asked her over because he knew the temptation to be with Jensen and his friends would be pretty strong.  Chris wasn’t the first to come over to try to get him to join in.  It wasn’t even Chris’s first trip.  So far he’d had 3 candygrams, a singing telegram, 4 jehovah witness visits, a teen trying to sell shots to raise money for college, and a drug addict offering to sell himself if Jared would just give him some drugs.  All in the form of either Chris, Mike, or Tom.  They were getting more and more ridiculous and harder and harder to resist.

 

When he heard the door this time he shook his head.  “I don’t want a candygram, no this is not a bachelor party and I don’t need a stripper, yes I am a mormon so please don’t convert me and I swear I will give you whatever money you want if you stop asking me to drink shots out of your belly button.”

 

“My what?”

 

Jared turned around and was shocked to see Jensen standing there, a slightly amused look on his face.  “I um… I thought you were… someone else?”  He asked with a dazed smile.

 

“Which one?”

 

“All of them.” 

 

Jensen smiled as he ran his hand down the back of his neck.  “Yeah, they kind of got attached.  They’re all clamoring about you not being over there.”

 

“So they sent you to ask me?”

 

“Um.. no actually.  Chris and Sandy shoved me in here and said we had to work it out before they’d let me back in my own house.”

 

“I think Chris might cave, but if Sandy is helping him, you’re doomed.”

 

He could see the second it hit Jensen and he wished he’d said something else.  He hadn’t meant it like that.

 

“So I really screwed it all up didn’t I?” Jensen asked.  “I kind of knew you were just pulling me together for the IEP, but I sort of hoped that… there might be some friendship left to salvage afterwards.”

 

“Is that what you want Jensen?  Friendship?” 

 

Jensen took a deep breath and walked into the living room, staring up at the artwork he’d hung for Jared on the day he’d moved in.  Jared followed him in, but didn’t say anything, afraid to disturb whatever it was that had Jensen looking so open tonight.

 

“The thing is Jared, once upon I time… I had happily ever after.  I had a beautiful home and a loving partner and a beautiful boy.  I used to work in corporate America and I saved enough money so that we bought Crosswired and Michael made it what it was to become.  I quit my job and worked there all the time, making ends meet, publicizing it and making deals and whatever I had to.  When Alec was diagnosed with autism, Michael devoted his life to our son.  I devoted my life to making sure Michael could.  When he died…”  He took a deep breath and Jared moved forward.  He didn’t say anything but he put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, comforting him with his presence.

 

“Car accident.”  Jensen said, his voice strung tight with emotion and regret.  “We were all in the car.  Alec wasn’t hurt at all except for nightmares about it later.  I had some bruising and all that, but nothing serious.  Michael… he was dead on impact.  I learned to deal with Michael’s death, but I’ve never been able to be the father that he was.  He was Alec’s world and…” he took a deep breath.  “I hated him for that.  Part of me hated that Alec turned to him when he was hurt.  I wanted to know how to handle my son but I had to support them and I didn’t have the time and Michael was so good at it.  He’d just… do it and laugh at me when I said I was trying, laugh and tell me not to quit my day job.  Only Michael died and I didn’t have the slightest idea how to deal with him.  When I was far enough out of my grief I started looking for someone to take care of Alec, but it took me a year to find you.”

 

Jensen turned to look at him then and Jared could see the trail of tears that had fallen as he spoke of Michael, of the family he’d lost.  He wanted to hate Michael a little bit too, for hurting Jensen like that, for not realizing how hard that must have been for him. 

 

“I wanted you from the second I saw you.  I told you, that first night you came over, that Chris didn’t trust me with you, was afraid I’d become involved with you.  You were here for Alec though and you said you weren’t dating anyway so I ignored it.”

 

“It never went away though.  The thing is, I went out that night because I thought I needed to get free of Michael, that I needed to move on with my life.  Only when I was with him…”  He took another deep breath like he was steeling himself to say it.  “I felt so damn guilty.  Then I was angry because I felt guilty in the first place.”

 

“Jensen you don’t have to explain that.  You mourned for Michael.  You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for what you did.”

 

“I felt guilty because it wasn’t him I felt I’d betrayed.”  Jensen said, looking him straight in the eye.  “I was lying in some stranger’s bed and realized that it wasn’t Michael I was trying to drown out, it was you.  And then I was angry at you for it and you went out the next week and…”

 

“Jesus.”  Jared said heavily.  He took a seat on the couch, trying to think of something to say.  He knew what had happened to Jensen finally, knew where the anger had come from.  He wasn’t a shrink but he was smart enough to know how much Jensen must have been hurting when he realized he’d moved on from Michael so completely without noticing it. 

 

“Yeah.”  He heard Jensen moving but he didn’t stop him.  A second later though a beer bottle was thrust into his hand and he took it.  He took a long pull off it and saw Jensen do the same thing.

 

He pulled at the label of his bottle and took a deep breath.  He didn’t know how to respond to it all so he decided it was time for his own confession.  “His name was David.  Met him at a club and we hit it off.  Dated a few months and we were in love and hey, let’s move in!”  Jared said with a small smile.  “We were both young and stupid.  Everyone told me it was insane, too soon and all that, but I was crazy about him and he was so good to me.  We both worked but he was a musician so it was come and go, you know?  But he cooked and cleaned and did everything around the house, like this perfect 50s housewife.  Minus the heels.  He started complaining about my friends though.  Didn’t like the way they smoked in the house and he didn’t think they liked him, which was true enough.  They thought he was using me for the free rent since I had the steady job.  It wasn’t true, but they believed it.  So we compromised.  I’d hang out with my friends away from the house.  Only after a few months every time I wanted to go hang out there was some reason not to, you know?  David was really good at making me change my mind and well…”

 

“You were crazy about him.”  Jensen said.

 

“Yeah.  So most of my friends stopped calling because they knew I wouldn’t go out anyway.  My Mom started talking about David too, about how it wasn’t healthy for me not to be with my friends and what sort of person was David to ask me to?  I explained that he hadn’t asked me to do anything, but she was better at seeing what was happening than I was.  Pretty soon, my Mama was calling less and I wasn’t picking up when she did because it was always about David.  She wouldn’t let up on him and I wasn’t giving up on him so we were at an impasse.  Then, I don’t know when it started really.” 

 

He took another drink from his beer, trying to figure out what to say.  In the end though Jensen had been honest and he wanted to be also.  “I think at first it was just stupid things, like if I’d try to get him to come back to bed or something, he’d call me a whore.”

 

He saw Jensen flinch and he gave a sad little snort.  “Yeah.  It was just teasing but it didn’t stay that way.  Took me a long time to realize he was beating me down because he was so damn good at hiding it.  In the end though it wasn’t enough.  He got physical and… I’ve never been in a fight in my life.  I mean, I know I’ve got the size, but I’d never hurt anyone, you know that.  So did David.  When it got bad enough I walked away.  I showed up at Sandy’s door, bled all over her furniture until she convinced me to go to the hospital.  It was pretty nasty and the doctors could still see some of my older bruises so they called the cops and I pressed charges.”

 

He couldn’t look up for fear of what he’d see in Jensen’s eyes.  He knew he shouldn’t have let it happen, but he had and his size hadn’t meant a damn thing in it all.  People never understood that though.  They always thought because he was big meant he could handle physical violence.  And while he would die to protect the people he loved, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to hurt someone else just to protect himself.

 

“So I got free, and on my own two feet, but I was sort of out of control and I crashed with Sandy.  About nine months later she got your call and told me she had the perfect job for me.”  He swung his arms wide, looking up at Jensen then.  “Here I am.”

 

Jensen looked as broken as Jared felt and he shook his head.  “The night I went out was really simple.  I was trying to work you out of my system.  Found this guy that looked enough like you to pretend in the dark and I let him pound me into the mattress.  I spent the whole damn time wondering what it would have been like if it were you.  I got home and you were in the window and all I could think was that I’d just managed to make it worse.  I wanted the real thing but I knew you’d never want me so there wasn’t much point in trying.”   

 

They sat there for a few minutes, both trying to find the words to fill in the gaps.  Jensen finally managed it.  “I don’t know what to say right now Jared.  What I want to do?”  He shook his head.  “We do need to figure this out, but slowly.  I… can we just try to relax around each other for a while?  Try to get back to what we had and go from there?”

 

Jared looked up, surprised to be offered that much.  “You serious?”

 

Jensen nodded.  “I… hell… I still want you, but we’ve had so much happen and so much bad blood that neither of us understood.  I think maybe, if we can get back to before, maybe we have a shot at something.”

 

“You want that?”

 

Jensen nodded slightly.  “Yeah Jared.  I really want that.”

 

Jared looked down.  “I need to think about all of this.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen said though his voice was rougher than normal.  “And I need to get back before Mike catches something else on fire.  I’ve got food coming in...” he looked at his watch, “about 30 minutes.  I’d like it if you came over, even for a few minutes.  Danny took Alec for me in case I was a wreck tonight so the guys are being obnoxious but Chris said he’d talk ‘em all into playing tonight.”

 

Jensen knew he enjoyed watching the others play their music and it was tempting.  “I’ll think about it.”

 

“Alright.” Jensen knew him well enough not to push it so he got up and walked to the kitchen archway.  “Jared… I know what I said hurt you and now that I know why, I know you can’t ever forget that, but I promise to try to be better.  I can’t take it back and I can’t make it go away. That bastard that made you feel all those things though, he was so wrong about you.  He was dead wrong and I’m sorry that, for even a minute, I was him.”

 

He heard Jensen’s steps and the door close behind him and he was left alone in the living room.  He looked around at the place he lived, the home he had created here.  He looked at the photo Jensen had taken of Jared and Alec playing at the zoo.  There was a painting taped up on the wall that Alec had made on Jared’s first day there.  On the mantle of his fireplace was a photo of the three of them on some random night.  Jensen had Alec in his arms and Jared had wrapped an arm around Jensen’s shoulder as Chris had taken the shot.  He stroked a finger over the edges of it.  There was one word that always came to mind when he looked at that picture.  Fun.  Tonight, he thought something else.  Family.

 

 

Jensen could feel Sandy’s eyes on him when he came out.  She flicked her eyes back towards Jared’s but he motioned her to stay where she was.  He didn’t think Jared wanted any company just then.  He hoped he’d come out later, when he was ready.  He hoped because more than anything else he wanted Jared back in his life.  Not the moody sullen Jared he’d been, but the man he knew.  The man that had managed to steal into his life without stopping to tell Jensen he was doing it. 

 

He went to the kitchen and found a beer, taking a long drink before letting himself acknowledge the other set of eyes he felt on him.  “He’s fine Chris.”

 

“Do I need to go check on him?”

 

“Only if he doesn’t come out when the food gets here.”  He was trying to play it down, make light of it all but he was worried about what Jared would do next.  He didn’t know if he’d come out tonight at all.  With everything they’d thrown at each other it was amazing they were both still standing.  It just made him want to pull Jared even closer though, made him want to protect him the same way he protected his son. 

 

“You okay?”  Chris asked as he set a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. 

 

Jensen bit the inside of his lip to stop the tears because he was damned if he was going to start crying on the night they were celebrating Alec’s IEP going well.  “Ask me after Jared shows up.”

 

Chris just nodded, then tipped the bottle of his beer to Jensen’s in a silent ‘wish you well’ and finished his bottle.  Jensen did the same and let Chris drag him back into their circle of friends. 

 

 

Dinner came and there were pizza boxes everywhere.  It wasn’t just the usual crowd and Jensen was happy that his whole circle had made it out tonight along with a fair number of their friends as well.  The TV was set on a sports channel but was muted as Steve pulled out his guitar.  Jensen was ready to settle in for the music when Steve looked behind them and smiled.  “So our shining knight made it!”

 

He didn’t need to look back to know it was Jared.  “Hey Steve.”  Jared said, his smile in place and Sandy already draped around his torso.  He really did need to ask Jared about that morning, about what he’d seen, but he couldn’t seem to make himself care at the moment because Jared was there and he was smiling.  “Am I too late?”  He asked, looking at Jensen.

 

Jensen shook his head.  “Just in time.”  Chris got up from beside Jensen and gave Jared a tight hug before holding his beer up.  “To Jared and his amazing OT skills that put the evil bitch to shame!”

 

Jensen blushed a little because yeah, he had been a little excited when he started telling Chris earlier and things were a little out of proportion.  Jared seemed to relax a little and then Chris was steering him down onto the couch between him and Jensen.  Jensen reached into the cooler he had in the rec room and handed a beer to Jared.  Jared smiled as he did so and took a deep breath, like he was relaxing into the night.  When Steve started playing Jensen continued to watch from the corner of his eye.  When Chris decided to join him, he saw Sandy sneak over to Jared’s other side.  Jared brought his hands up to the back of the couch, one arm sneaking over Sandy’s shoulder to hold her a little tighter.  The other settled on the back of the couch behind Jensen.  He wasn’t touching him, just letting his arm rest there, but it felt like a start anyway.

 

**

 

It was nothing like he’d expected but everything it normally was.  They hung out with their friends and laughed and everyone acted like nothing had ever happened.  Of course, Chris, Steve, and Sandy were the only two who knew something had been up so that might have helped, but he could see Chris relax a little and if Chris was relaxing it meant that he thought Jensen was okay.  Jared still wasn’t sure how he felt about being given a chance here.  He wanted to talk to Sandy about it, but she’d managed to get a little too tipsy and he’d carried her back to his bed an hour ago. 

 

Still, he felt happy.  He felt safe with Jensen in ways he hadn’t before.  In ways he didn’t know existed before David had happened to him.  He watched as Chris and Steve walked out the door and then started gathering the beer bottles from around the room, dumping them into the bin. 

 

“You don’t have to do that you know.”

 

“Still not a maid and still my dime.”

 

“Yeah yeah.”  Jensen said, but there was a smile on his face that he hadn’t seen for a while now.  “Need another?”  He asked, holding out a fresh beer.

 

Jared took it after he dumped the rest of the old bottles, then sat down on the couch.  He’d made his mind up and he figured he might as well get it out there and see how things turned out.  Jensen took a seat next to him and they enjoyed the companionable silence for a few minutes.  Jensen’s arm was on the back of the couch and Jared leaned his head back.  Jensen’s was tilted back the same way, his eyes closed as he relaxed.  When Jared relaxed into it, he felt Jensen’s fingers in his hair.  He doubted Jensen was aware he did it.  Jared had never said anything and he wasn’t about to now. 

 

“Hey Jensen.”

 

“Yeah Jared.”

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Jensen’s eyes opened immediately and he sat up.  “Yeah?”

 

“I know… what you said earlier about trying to go back to the way things used to be.  I thought about it.  I’d really like that,” He saw Jensen’s relief, “but I can’t.”  And there was the fall, the way his eyes tightened and his knuckles whitened on the bottle he held in his other hand.  “I can’t pretend I don’t feel what I feel anymore.  I can’t handle the idea of you being out there, flirting and kissing and dating someone else.  I can’t stand the thought of someone else touching you.  I need to be the one.  I know you wanted to take things slower than that, but… I can’t.  I have to do this now.”

 

And then he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Jensen’s.  Jensen’s whole body froze up on him and Jared was beginning to wonder if he’d made the worst mistake yet when suddenly Jensen was grabbing him by the arms and pulling him closer.  His tongue demanded entrance to his mouth and Jared granted it immediately.

 

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but it wasn’t Jensen pushing his hand into his hair and holding him just so as he kissed him.  It wasn’t Jensen moaning into his mouth as he pulled him back on top of him.  It certainly wasn’t his own body’s reaction to Jensen’s dominant maneuverings. 

 

When they broke the kiss, Jensen didn’t let his hand out of Jared’s hair but used it to keep him close, their foreheads touching as they both regained breath.  “God Jared… you know I want to do this but… I have to think of Alec.”

 

“I love him.”

“Yeah I know.”

 

“He loves me.”

“Yeah he does.”

 

“This doesn’t change that.  Never will.  No matter what happens, Alec can always have me.”

 

Jensen looked at him then, looked up into his eyes like he was trying to read them.  “How far do you want this to go tonight Jared?”  He asked quietly.

 

Jared took a deep breath.  “Bedroom.  Right now would be good.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“With you very naked.”

 

Jensen didn’t smile at his teasing, but pulled Jared close again, crushing their lips together.  He pushed back on Jared, pushing him up off the couch, but kept close to him, never letting him loose for a moment.  He captured his lips again as he got him upright, one hand on his hip gripping tightly as he guided him out into the hall and down the way to his bedroom door. 

 

They were barely through the doorway when Jensen pulled his head back suddenly.  Jared moaned as he felt Jensen’s lips against the skin of his throat.  He felt Jensen’s hands skimming his chest, finding the first button and pulling it open.  He did each button slowly and it was torturous and blissful at the same time.  He wanted Jensen to kiss him again but as he undid each button Jensen kissed a little lower on his chest and by the time he had his shirt off, Jensen was on his knees in front of Jared.  He watched as Jensen nipped at the skin just above his belt and when Jensen’s hands found his belt he moaned against the thought of what he would do next.  He felt the belt slide off, but then Jensen pressed his cheek against Jared’s denim covered cock, nuzzling him through the heavy fabric. 

 

He wanted to scream or to jerk his damn pants off himself but Jensen’s hands on his hips held him as tight as anything ever had.  He didn’t mouth at him or use his teeth, just continued to rub his cheek in slow movements that were making him ache. 

 

When Jensen popped open the button of his jeans and slid the zipper down it was with deliberate slowness and then he was pushing Jared’s jeans off him and nuzzling his cock through the boxers he was wearing.  “Jen… please.”  He wasn’t sure what he was begging for at that point but anything would work. 

 

His boxers were pulled off then and he looked down to see Jensen staring up at him, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. 

 

“If you even think about stopping I will kill you.”  He growled out and Jensen laughed lightly. 

 

He stood, pressing his still dressed body to Jared’s completely naked form.  “Yeah Jay?”  He asked.  And somehow the way his name rolled off Jensen’s tongue made him hungry for it.  He pressed his lips to Jensen’s and felt the other man wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him off the wall and walking him backward. 

 

He felt his knees hit the bed and then Jensen was pushing him down onto it, taking his time as he bit at his lips lightly, small kisses raining on his neck and chest.  He felt Jensen nuzzle at his stomach and the lick a path up again.  “What do you want tonight?”  He asked.  “You want to fuck me tonight?  Or do I get to have you?”

 

Jared took a deep breath to calm his heart rate.  He knew what Jensen was offering him and he didn’t think Jensen offered it often.  He knew what he wanted though and when he pulled Jensen up into another kiss, he licked at his lips a second before answering.  “Want you so bad.  Can’t stop thinking about you, about you over me, fucking hard into me.  Can’t stop thinking about watching you under my hands while I ride you.  Need you Jen, need you so much right now.”

 

It was all Jensen needed to hear apparently because there was another crushing kiss.  When he broke from it, he leaned up and grabbed supplies out of the table and then he was working his way down Jared’s body. 

 

Jared felt like his skin was melting off from Jensen’s touch.  When he stopped and settled himself between Jared’s legs Jared tried to grab his hands.  “Jen… too many clothes.”

 

Jensen smiled.  “Don’t worry about that.  They’ll come off eventually.”  And then he was down between Jared’s thighs, his hands soothing the strong muscle there.  Long firm touches as he pressed Jared’s legs back further on the mattress.  His fingers spread him out softly, slowly as they worked their way across his thigh and down his ass, pulling his hips forward slightly as his fingertips played lightly over his entrance.  “Jesus Jensen.”

 

Jensen didn’t wait for anything else and he felt Jensen’s tongue, wet and hot circling him.  He circled a couple times before using the flat of his tongue to swipe across him, then back to circles that teased.  He was about to start babbling for anything more when he felt the blunt press of Jensen’s tongue, felt him push inside his body and fuck into him.  He moaned, pressing his hips back into him. 

 

Jensen continued to fuck him slow and steady with his tongue and then suddenly there was more.  He felt Jensen’s first finger enter him beside his tongue and he was throwing his head back, unable to even attempt to watch anymore.

 

“You want more Jay?”  Jensen asked, his voice dark and husky.

 

“Please…” it sounded more like he was begging than anything else and he was amazingly okay with that so long as Jensen did something more to him soon.

 

Jensen was moving off him then and he whimpered a little until he felt two of Jensen’s fingers inside him.  When he looked down Jensen was undoing his belt buckle one handed, the buttons of his own shirt already undone.

 

“Yeah.  God Jen you’re fucking gorgeous.” 

 

“You’re just saying that because I’m about to fuck you.”

 

“I’d say anything to get you to fuck me right now but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”  He said, a small smile on his face. 

 

Jensen chose that moment to slide a third finger inside him.  “Definitely not doing this right if you can still talk like that.”  And then he really started pumping into Jared with his hand, three fingers buried deep, fucking into him and making him squirm with need.

 

“Do you want me Jared?”

 

Jared looked up and nodded, not trusting his voice anymore.

 

“I think I need some help getting undressed.”  Jensen said as he pulled his fingers out of Jared.  Jared moaned with the loss but then he was raising up to his knees and pushing the shirt off Jensen’s shoulders, following it’s path down his chest with lips and teeth and tongue.  He pulled his belt loose and pushed his panted and boxers down at the same time.  He reached forward to touch Jensen’s cock when Jensen stopped him. 

 

“Lay down Jay.”  He said softly and he’d never wanted anything more in his life.  He watched as Jensen rolled the condom onto his cock and slicked himself up.  Jensen leaned forward and kissed him again, this time the hard kiss turned into something else, something more demanding but less frantic.  When he felt the blunt tip of his cock pressing against him Jared moaned into his mouth. 

 

His body resisted the intrusion as it always did in the beginning but he was so open, fucked open so well on Jensen’s tongue and fingers that it only took a second before his body opened up and Jensen slid home all the way. 

 

Jensen bit Jared’s neck, bit and licked and sucked as he gave Jared’s body time to receive him.  When Jared’s hips pressed up into him, Jensen began to move, pulling slowly out and then back in all the way. 

 

Jared knew he wasn’t going to last long and Jensen hadn’t even touched his cock yet.  He felt Jensen’s hands move along the sides of his body, then felt them taking his own hands and pin them to the mattress.  Jensen twined their fingers together as he leaned up, eyes catching with Jared’s as he continued to pump into him.  Jared felt him hit the right angle and his mind went fuzzy from the pleasure of it. 

 

When Jared started begging for Jensen to touch him, Jensen began kissing him again, swallowing his pleas with his tongue and teeth.  He could feel Jensen’s hips shuddering though; felt his own climax coming as Jensen’s did.  “Come for me Jared.”  Jensen said, biting into his neck just behind his ear. “Come for me baby.”

 

With Jensen’s filthy voice in his ear, he came all over them both, white stripes shooting across his chest and as Jensen leaned up for a kiss, all over his as well.  He felt Jensen’s sharp intake of breath and knew that he was coming also.

 

When he felt his breathing slow down Jensen started to pull away.  Jared tried to stop him, but Jensen just laughed lightly as he pulled out.  A second later he was on his side with Jensen pressed against his back.

 

“Should go to bed.”

 

“You are in bed.”  Jensen said with a laugh.

 

“Mine.”

 

“Trading me in for Sandy already?”

 

“What?”  Jared asked, opening his eyes slightly.  “No.  Sandy sucks.  Kicks in bed and wants to cuddle when she’s drunk.”

 

Jensen laughed again but Jared was happy.  He was more than happy.  “Jen?”  He said, prepared to tell the other man just how he felt.

 

“Go to sleep Jared.  Just go to sleep tonight.”

 

He felt a kiss to his temple and it was the last thing he remembered before sleep hit him.

 

 

 

 

Jensen woke up fast.  He had ever since Alec had come into his life.  Whereas he wasn’t the most functional morning person ever, he’d become adjusted to it over time.  When Michael had died he hadn’t slept well anyway and his need to be available should Alec need him meant that he didn’t sleep heavy either. 

 

So when Jared swung out of his bed and the mattress shifted with him, it was enough to wake Jensen up.  He looked over at Jared, at the way his shoulders sloped down and knew that he was freaking out. 

 

He sat up and moved quietly closer, as if he were afraid to spook him.  When he touched his hand to Jared’s shoulder Jared jumped.

 

“Jesus Jensen you scared me.”

 

“Wouldn’t have scared you if you were still in bed with me.”

 

Jared took a step away from the bed and Jensen just looked at him, waiting for it.

 

“How can you be so calm?”

 

“I think it’s post coital bliss.  Still wrapped up in it.”

 

“Jensen… I … we … God how did this happen?”  He asked.

 

“When two men have certain feelings for one another-”

 

“That’s not what I meant!” 

 

He could see that Jared was really freaking out now, not just a little, but he had an idea what it was about.  Jensen was the observant type and liked to make sure he knew things about other people.  One of the things he knew about Jared was that every time he’d come close to talking about his past relationships, he’d follow them up with a few days of cold indifference towards Jensen.  It had hurt at first, when he noticed it, but then he realized it was just Jared trying to protect himself from his past and he’d let it go.  Considering what he now knew about David and what the two of them did the night before, he should have been expecting this.  He lookup up at Jared and sighed.  “Can you at least sit down because you’re hurting my neck?”

 

Jared didn’t answer but sat at the edge of the bed.  Jensen took the opportunity and grabbed Jared, pulling him down to the bed and wrestling him to where he wanted him, which was underneath Jensen.

 

“Jensen get off me!” 

 

“No.  I know you’re freaking out Jared and I’m not letting you walk out like this.  We didn’t do anything wrong last night and I’m not sorry for making love to you.  I know you’re not either so just stop this.”

 

Jared shook his head.  “Of course I wanted to, I just… this will ruin everything.  I don’t want to leave Alec.  I don’t want to leave my home.”

 

Jensen felt a small burst of warmth at the way his son has etched himself into his lover’s life.  He loved that Jared thought of this place as home and not just a place to live.  It might take some time, but he had faith that he’d eventually get Jared to move in with him, to be a real family, the three of them.  He just had to get Jared to stop looking for David in every corner.  Not that he’d made that easy when he’d hurt Jared, but they were gonna get past that.

 

“You won’t ever have to leave Jared.  Like you said last night, Alec loves you and you love him and nothing is going to change the fact that you are his nanny.  It took me way too long to find a good nanny and I’m not letting you go just because you slept with the boss.”  He said, trying to make light of it.

 

He leaned down slowly then, kissed Jared’s lips lightly.  Jared was frozen underneath him and Jensen bit softly at his lower lip.  Jared gave slightly at that and as Jensen kept at it, Jared eventually opened up to him, his desire for Jensen outweighing his fear.

 

Before it got any further, Jensen sat back and let Jared up.  “Go get in the shower and I’ll get some breakfast fixed.”

 

He didn’t wait for an answer, just threw on his boxers and headed downstairs for some much needed caffeine.

 

 

When Jared came down he seemed calmer but he was still watching Jensen carefully.  He set the coffee in front of Jared and then got their plates down.  “Mind if I..?”  He motioned to the food, asking permission to get it for him. The last thing he wanted to do this morning was give Jared the impression that he thought he couldn’t care for himself.  When Jared nodded he filled it full and handed it back before getting his own.

 

Jared didn’t dig in with his usual gusto, but he was eating a little, pushing most of the food around his plate.  “Jensen?”

 

“Yeah Jared?”  He asked from his seat across the breakfast bar from him.

 

“Why aren’t you freaking out?”

 

Jensen smiled.  “I only have so much energy for that so I have to keep it on reserve.  Alec gets most of it.  You saw how I was about his IEP.  That was me flipping out.  There’s not much else in this world worth flipping out over except my son.  This thing with us Jared?  I’m not going to flip out.  I want you working with my son and I want you in my bed.  I have plans to keep you as close to me as I can for as long as I can.  So you can flip out if you want, but I’ll save my energy for another time.”

 

Jared took a sip of his coffee.  “Guess that’s a good point.”

 

“Besides.  We both love Alec.  There’s no way either of us would hurt him.  No matter what happens between us.”

 

“Very true.”  When Jared got up from the bar he walked around towards Jensen and leaned down, kissing his softly on the lips.  “You’ve convinced me.”

 

“That easy?”

 

“Yeah, well it’s not like I wanted to run to begin with.  All I really wanted to do this morning was stay in bed.”

 

Jensen grinned softly at him.  “I think we can arrange that.”

 

 

 

  It wasn’t until Danny called to drop Alec off that Jared and Jensen crawled back out of bed.  When Danneel got there, the boys were on the couch.  Jared just couldn’t keep his hands to himself now that he finally got that he could have this.  He kissed Jensen deeply, reveled in the feel of Jensen under his lips, in the feel of the deep laughter that made his chest beat harder.  He got up when the doorbell rang and Jensen answered it, Danneel leaving as soon as she saw Alec was safely home.  “You have a good time sport?”  Jensen asked.

 

“Good time sport!”  Alec replied.  He looked up as Jensen brought him closer and Alec squealed.  “Hello Jared!”

 

“Hey Alec.”  Jared said with a grin.

 

“I want paper please.” 

 

Jared laughed.  It was Alec’s newest thing.  He would draw and color and cut figures and shapes out all day long.  Jared shook his head but he was already getting up and grabbing the things Alec would want.  Alec grabbed the pencils on the coffee table and started a vigorous drawing.

 

Jensen took a seat on the couch and when Jared tried to sit a little bit further away Jensen grabbed him and pulled him into his embrace.  With his back to Jensen’s chest, he started to relax.  Jensen’s hand beat out the time with his heart and then Jensen leaned forward.  “He really does love you, you know?”

 

Jared turned so he could look up at Jensen.  “Yeah.  I love him too.”

 

Jensen traced the line of his lips with his thumb before he continued.  “You know that… I love you too Jared.”

 

Jared’s eyes widened slightly and he wondered how surprised he looked.  He took a deep breath before he said anything.  “It’s really sort of scary how easily it was to fall in love with the second most beautiful pair of eyes in the world.”

 

“Second?  Jensen asked.

 

“You know I fell in love with little man the first minute I saw him.  Loved those beautiful green eyes at first sight.  I knew then I’d never be able to walk away from him.”  He raised his hand to Jensen’s face, touching his cheek lightly.  “Think I knew all the way back then which was why I got so freaked out.”

 

Jensen held his hand against his skin, then turned his face slightly to kiss his palm.  “You knew what?”

 

“Knew I’d never walk away from you.”

 

Jensen held him close and Jared relaxed into it.  They still had a long way to go, but they had the important things right now.  Alec would always be their priority and beyond that, they’d try to make each other happy. 

 

He smiled into Jensen’s chest and let out a contented sigh.  Yeah.  His story had been pretty rough for a while but he was due a happily ever after.  Jensen deserved a second one and he’d do whatever he could to give it to him. 

 

Alec came up to him then, his smile bright as he crawled up into the v of Jensen’s legs and pushed until the was resting on his father’s chest with his back against Jared’s.  “That’s my boy.”  Alec said softly.

 

Jared looked up questioningly at Jensen who looked at his son with tears in his eyes.  When he caught Jared’s eye he swallowed hard.  “Used to do this with Michael.”  He said quietly.

 

“I can-”

 

“Don’t.  Don’t get up Jay.  Just… give us this, alright?”

 

He nodded, kissing the top of Alec’s head softly as Jensen’s hand crept down and trailed over Alec’s cheek.  He understood what kept Jensen going all this time, understood the need to make life perfect for his little boy, and he knew without a doubt that they’d be all right.  Even with his past, with Jensen’s baggage and his temper, they’d get through it all.  In the end, everything they’d gone through was because of the little boy in their arms. 

 

They’d make things right between them, they’d get it right.  If nothing else, then for love of their little man.


	2. With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is present, Jensen is in awe, and Jared just really likes to watch. 
> 
> A What Happens to Us Timestamp

  
  
The door was open, as it usually was. Jared was still adjusting to it, to the idea that Jensen wanted him around like that, but after two months as lovers it was a good sort of adjustment. On the nights when Jared needed to close the door and remind himself that he still had a place of his own, Jensen didn’t try to push in or try to get him out. He just gave him room. If Jared didn’t already know about Jensen’s temper, he might be tempted to think the man was perfect. Even with it, Jared thought he damn near was.

Jared took a deep breath as he left his apartment and stepped into the hallway that led into the main house.  He didn’t know what Michael’s family had been like that Jensen had a house with an In-Law suite for them, but it definitely had advantages for Jared.   He walked in, stopping at Alec’s room to see if the little boy was in there.  He wasn’t, but Jared wasn’t surprised about that.  It was a quarter to eight; almost bed time so he was probably in the den with Jensen.

He walked out of the room and was about to head that way until he heard Jensen’s voice.  He turned back, going to the door of Jensen’s bedroom.  The door was slightly ajar, just enough that Jared could see Alec sitting in Jensen’s bed, his hands clutching a white booklet that Jensen had made for him. 

Jared had to shake his head at that.  Alec would spend hours drawing and Jensen had come up with the idea of making little books for him.  He took plain white paper, cut it in half, and stapled it together like a book, and Alec was crazy about them.  The look in Jensen’s eyes when Alec had run clutching the first book to his chest to get to his crayons had been amazing.  Nothing but love and adoration and pride at his own ability to do something for his son, and Jared had barely been able to keep from kissing the man senseless over it.  That hadn’t lasted long when Jensen had turned to him, eyes still lit with love for his boy and saw the same reflected in Jared’s.  He’d wrapped himself around Jared for a few minutes, the two of them breathing each other in, sharing the moment before Alec came running back in with his box of crayons.

Alec was already in his pajamas tonight, not the thread worn shark pajamas thankfully that were currently being hidden all over the house to try to deter the boy from wearing them.  Tonight he was wearing his fire truck pajamas, his second favorite and the only appropriate substitute for the shark pajamas.  He had his legs tucked under Jensen’s blanket and was watching as Jensen moved to the bed, dressed in old worn jeans and a soft green tee shirt.  Jared’s fingers ached to touch, to walk in and lean against Jensen’s back, to slide his hands around his waist and pull the other man against him, but he settled against the wall, watching father and son.

“Whatcha doing there sport?”  Jensen asked as he sat at the edge of the bed.

“I have a book.”  The little boy said, showing it to Jensen.

“Wow, looks like you spent a lot of time drawing that.”

“It’s a book.”  Alec said again, and then pointed to the first page.  “Animals in the Water.”

Jared knew the words, knew the tone of voice that was straight from a Baby Einstein movie but he’d never seen Alec responding like that before.

The little boy turned the page and pointed again.  “Animals in the ocean,” He looked up at Jensen then back to where his finger indicated different animals.  “Look, it’s a fish and a whale and a shark,” He finished the last with a bite of his teeth.

 “I see the shark,”  Jensen said as he started to turn the page.  “Is there more?”

Alec turned the page for him.  “Animals under water.” 

Jensen nodded as he listened to Alec talking about his drawings, “It’s an otter.”

“I see the otter.”

Alec pointed to another animal.  “It’s a sea turtle.”

“Yes, I see the turtle.”

“It’s a sea turtle.”

Jensen laughed lightly, kissing Alec’s head as he did it.  “You’re right.  It’s a sea turtle.”

“And a seahorse!”

“I love seahorses.” Jensen answered.

Jared smiled to himself as he watched Alec continue, reading the header from each page and pointing out the animals on the opposite page.  Jensen listened with an amused smile the whole time and Jared knew more than once his lover had came close to losing tears over the interaction with his son.  Jared wasn’t even in the room and he felt his eyes misting over a time or two. 

Alec continued until the book was done, spending more time yawning on the last few pages than pointing things out.  When he was done, Alec handed the book to Jensen and turned over, resting his head on his father’s pillow.

Jensen took a deep breath and sighed as his hand ran through Alec’s blond hair.  “Alright, you can sleep here tonight.”  He said with a small laugh.  Alec didn’t move and Jared knew well enough that the little boy had probably passes out as soon as he’d turned over.  They were lucky Alec was a good sleeper like that.

Jensen got up and kissed Alec lightly on the cheek before pulling the blankets up to his shoulder and placing his other pillow on Alec’s side so he wasn’t in danger of falling off the edge.  Jared watched it all with a smile of his own. 

When Jensen stood to walk out he stopped as his eyes caught Jared’s.  His smile was brilliant and Jared didn’t think he’d ever get used to seeing that directed at him.

“Hey.”  He said softly.

“Hey.”  Jensen answered back as he walked out of the room, pulling the door until it was almost shut.

Jared indicated his apartment with a nod of his head and Jensen smiled back, letting Jared take the lead.  They made it through the door before Jensen handed Jared the book and he flipped through the pages.  On the left side of each page was a title drawing from the Baby Neptune video that Alec was currently obsessed with and on the right hand page were drawings of the different animals.  He ran his fingers lightly over the images and felt Jensen looking over his shoulder as he did so.

“He’s a pretty amazing artist.” Jared said as he turned his head to look at Jensen.

“Like his Dad.”

Jared nodded because he didn’t know enough about Michael to answer that, but then Jensen was pulling away to sit on the sofa.  Jared could see it wouldn’t last though so he just stood, watching.  A minute later Jensen was up on his feet.  “Did you see it all?”

“Saw him showing you his book.”

Jensen’s smile was laced with awe and he took the book from Jared again.  “I just … even when I try to read to him, you know how hard it is to get him to sit still.  To have him read me a book he made…”

Jared couldn’t help the way he smiled at Jensen, couldn’t help the feeling of pride that erupted in his heart, at Jensen’s experience and obvious understanding of the moment and for Alec’s accomplishment in making that connection with his father for those few minutes.  “It was a really good idea Jensen.”  He said softly, giving the man the credit he deserved.   “You’re really good with him, you have good instincts with him.”

“No, Michael-“

“Didn’t make him the books.  You did and you should be proud of yourself Jensen.”  He said, finally letting his hand come up to cup Jensen’s chin.  “You are wonderful with him.”  He leaned down then and pressed a gentle kiss to Jensen’s lips.

Jensen relaxed into his touch and when they parted, Jared rested his head against Jensen’s.

“Thank you.”  Jensen finally managed to say, his throat thick with emotion.  Jared understood.  Jensen still thought of Michael as the good father and even after almost two years, it was hard for him to think of himself that way. 

“You want to frame it now, don’t you?”  Jared answered as he took a step back.

Jensen laughed.  “It’s a masterpiece. “

As they settled onto his couch, Jared pulled Jensen closer, letting his lover press another kiss into the skin just below his ear.  “He was really with me, you know?”

“Yeah, I saw that.”

“Some days I feel like I just can’t keep going, like nothing I do or say gets through to him and none of it’s doing any good.  But today?  It was just one of those nights when he was with me, when I know it’s all worth it.  I can’t … I can’t think of a way to thank you for your part in all that.”

Jensen was staring up at him then, the honesty and faith in him blinding.  He smiled, felt his face blush slightly at the praise and shook his head.  “It’s all him man, but if you really want…” he said, his hand coming up to the back of Jensen’s neck.  “I’m sure I can find something that would say thank you.”

He didn’t need it, didn’t need a thank you for working with Alec when he loved the boy as much as he did, when he loved being with Alec and Jensen, but Jensen was always so good at appreciation and since they’d become lovers he had become even more so. 

As Jensen laughed, pressing a more demanding kiss into his lips, Jared smiled into it.  He was more than willing to take a couple thank yous along the way.


	3. Little Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Time and Alec wants presents.
> 
> A What Happens To Us Christmas Timestamp

  
  
Jared sighed as the bed dipped beside him. He could feel the mattress shaking as legs jiggled over the edge and he wanted to scream, because they’d just finished wrapping everything around two am and he really needed more sleep than that. He felt someone blow on his face and took a deep breath, opening up his eyes expecting to see his little green eyed boy there.

Only it was his big green eyed boy sitting there.   “Um… morning.”

“Jensen?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s six am.”

“Yeah.”  He said, smiling as he tilted his head sideways.

“What are you doing?”

“Christmas morning.  Alec’s already awake but playing quietly in his room so I figured I better give you a heads up before he realizes it’s Christmas.  Come on, I have coffee in the kitchen.”

Jared got up and realized as they were walking down the hallway that Jensen was practically bouncing on his toes.  “You excited about Christmas?"  He asked as he followed along behind, trying to figure out what his lover was about.

“Oh, I like Christmas.  I mean, it was hard the last couple years, without Michael, but things are different now, you know?”

Jared nodded but he didn’t really.  He knew that he and Jensen were doing good, but Jensen still didn’t talk a lot about Michael a lot so in some ways he didn’t know what he was up against.  He could understand what his lover was going through though because Michael  had been a huge part of their lives and Jensen felt a lot of guilt that sometimes he missed Alec’s father more than he missed Michael as a lover.  He didn’t push, but there was something about Jensen that screamed excitement today, even if he was trying to keep it low key.

 Alec had been really excited about it too.  In fact they’d had to put the Christmas presents up once because Alec couldn’t wait to open them.  He kept running in with presents in hand, saying “Alec’s presents?  Open Alec’s presents!”

After talking to him a few days, they put the presents back but he’d still go running to them all the time and point to them, calling out “Alec’s presents!”

“Alec seems ready for it.”  Jared said with the grin he almost always wore when talking about Alec.

Jensen set a mug of coffee in front of him as he took a seat at the breakfast bar.  “Doesn’t he?”  He asked, taking a sip of his own coffee, sliding the crème and sugar over with his free hand.  “It’s the first time really.  He didn’t get it last year.  He just… watched everything and walked away and it took forever to get him to open his presents. “

Jared got it then, understood why Jensen was waking him up so early, why his lover had been so restless in the past few days, and why it was so important.  He walked around the bar and crowded against Jensen’s back, pressing a kiss to his bare shoulder.  “Awesome.”  And it was, because he got to be there for it, for Alec’s first real Christmas and he’d never dreamt of having something like that of his own. 

Jensen nodded, as he looked over his shoulder at him, his smile larger than Jared had ever seen.  Jared kissed the corner of his lips.  “So you bought him everything in the world.”

“Says the man whose present is wrapped in a box bigger than he is.”  Jensen teased.

Jared laughed.  “Just wait…”

His words were cut off as Alec came running out of his room and went straight to the tree.  “Alec’s presents!”  He shouted.

Jared pulled Jensen against him one last time before letting him go, following Jensen into the living room with the mammoth tree.  “Good morning Alec.”

Alec came walking over to his father and smiled.  “Good morning Daddy.”  He looked over at Jared and gave him the same smile.  “Good morning Jared.”  He looked at the tree then and back at the two men.  “Alec’s presents now?”

“Mine first?”  Jared pleaded and Jensen shook his head, but relented when Alec began jumping up and down for it.  The box was almost as long as Jared was and almost as tall as Alec, but Jared pulled it out from the wall effortlessly.  He pulled the box out and helped Alec find the seam of the paper to open it.  The top was lightly taped and Jared had a string running down the center so when Alec pulled it, the whole thing would open.  As he did, the top came open and helium balloons spilled out of the huge box.  Alec giggled and danced around in the long curling ribbon that made the room a forest of colors. 

Alec played with that for a while before jumping into the box to find the tissue paper and packing peanuts that had been waiting underneath. 

Jensen pulled Jared to his side and he put one arm around his shoulder as they leaned back against the couch watching Alec.  “Good call.”  Jensen said, turning to look up at Jared.

“What can I say?  I know my boy.”

Jensen’s smile grew serious as he cupped his face.  “That you do.”  And then he was kissing him, soft and sweet and almost heartbreaking until Jared realized what he’d said, what Jensen was saying with his kiss.  He pulled him closer, wrapped the man he loved in his arms and wondered how he’d have ever gotten by without this, without Alec and his special needs and Jensen and his own brand of trouble.  They were everything he needed though and they kept him grounded and happy.

When the kiss broke they were both breathless and Alec was watching them.  When they looked at him he pointed back to the tree.  “Alec’s presents?”

Jensen laughed and Jared got up then, sitting down towards the edge of the tree, beginning to hand out the presents who, not surprisingly, went mostly to their little man.


	4. Prove It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen has too much on his mind to sleep.
> 
> A What Happens to Us Timestamp

  
  
He was exhausted, his mind turning the words of the page into fuzzy little bits of mush that kept trying to run off the page together. Jensen sighed as he scrubbed a hand through his hair and tried to focus again.

It didn’t have to be done tonight.  Jared had reminded him of that when he handed him the IEP packet once they got home.  He’d reminded him again when Jensen kept staring at the envelope throughout dinner.  He must have known it was a lost cause though because after dinner he’d told Alec to kiss his Daddy good night and taken him off to bed.

He had no idea how long ago that had been.  He tried looking at his watch but he might as well have been the white rabbit.  His watch arms were making about as much sense as the mad hatter.

“Jensen.”

Jensen looked up from desk to take in the sight of his lover in the doorway.  Lover, salvation, nanny, all words that meant the same thing to him anymore; family.  Jared had managed to steal into his life, sneak Alec up into his arms and then wrapped Jensen up just as tightly, never letting them go.  Jensen had never been more grateful as he was the day he realized Jared was really there to stay.

“I need to sign these tonight Jared,” his voice was a bare whisper, his throat tight from unshed tears as he continued to read over his son’s IEP reports.

Jared shook his head, coming to stand in the vee of his legs.  “You don’t Jensen.  You have a few days.  Today was a lot to take in.  Tri-annual assessments always are.  You wore yourself out worrying about it last night.  If you keep looking at those papers, you’re liable to just fall asleep on them.  Think what the office will say when they see Alec’s IEP covered in drool,” Jared teased.

Jensen wanted to protest further, but then Jared was leaning down, taking Jensen’s hands in his own and pulling him from his chair.  “We’ll get up early and do this.  Tonight it’s time to sleep.”

“I don’t think I can sleep with this hanging over my head Jared.”

Jared smiled at him, warmth and affection and, yes, love, radiating from him.  “You can, but I promise if you can’t fall asleep I’ll think of some way to wear you out.”

Jensen stared at him for a minute, his mind on Speech Pathologists and Occupational Therapists and standardized tests that were all ‘read with caution’, until a bark of laughter escaped his lips.  He shook his head slightly before smiling up at Jared, wondering how in the hell he’d managed to find someone so perfect for his family.  He leaned up, pressed his lips to Jared’s in a quick kiss.  “Bet I can wear you out,” Jensen teased.

Jared laughed, wrapping his arms around Jensen as he started to walk him backwards through the door.  “Prove it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please take a look at the amazing [ Artwork](http://bluelittlepig.livejournal.com/31225.html) by bluelittlepig


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